You’ve done the childbirth classes and the breastfeeding classes. You’ve discussed–ad nauseum–how you want to be as parents and you’ve dreamed about your child’s future. You’ve decorated the nursery, made all the freezer meals, and have had your hospital bag packed for weeks.
And then baby comes, and boy were you prepared! You’ve never been more thankful for your type A personality, and even your husband has expressed gratitude that everything seems to be taken care of. Unfortunately breastfeeding got off to a rocky start, with a shallow latch and some trouble with supply, which led to syringe feeding, pumping, and nursing around the clock for a couple of weeks. You’re recovering slowly, but you’re not getting much sleep and when you do sleep you’re worried about the baby. You’ve noticed your anxiety spiking more than usual and you’re just so tired. But you have hope that things will get better.
And then you have your 6 week checkup.
Your OB says you are recovering nicely and gives you the “all clear” to resume all normal activities. And you’re excited until you realize that “normal activities” includes sex. Obviously. But how is that possible that they’re clearing you for sex? You may not be bleeding anymore, but it’s still sore down there, and let’s not even get on the topic of your cracked nipples. And so you begin to worry about expectations and how you’ll talk to your husband, and what on earth intimacy after birth is supposed to look like after you’ve just pushed a small child out of your own body.

For many women, this is their story. And if this is you, let me assure you that you are not alone. But whether you can relate 100% or you’ve had a different experience entirely, what follows is a brief guide for all new parents. We’ll cover how childbirth impacts sex, how to invest in your relationship beyond sex, and how to redefine “normal” rhythms in your marriage. So whether that 6 week “all clear” brought shame and anxiety or excitement and anticipation, if you’re a new parent this guide is for you.

parents and baby at home after childbirth

Understanding the Physical Changes After Birth & Their Impact on Postpartum Intimacy

Many women experience a drop in sexual desire after childbirth. Childbirth impacts sex in many ways, both physically and emotionally. Childbirth takes a physical toll and leaves its mark—whether it’s a vaginal delivery or cesarean, whether your labor was 4 hours or 24 hours. Physical healing is a huge part of postpartum recovery and this varies for every woman depending on her birthing experience—from perineal tearing to episiotomy scars to cesarean incision soreness.
Low libido can also be attributed to hormonal changes, as a decrease in estrogen and an increase in prolactin (breastmilk production) can both cause vaginal dryness, pain during intercourse, and a decrease in sexual desire.

In addition, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs) affect about 1 in 5 women, and this emotional suffering is often enough to deplete or even temporarily eradicate any woman’s normally healthy libido.

A new mom’s body is healing. Her hormones are fluctuating. She feels anxious about everything. Looking in the mirror, she feels anything but sexy. And she’s exhausted. Not exactly a recipe for a thriving postpartum sex life.

How to Invest in Your Relationship Beyond Sex

So what do we do? And where does this leave husbands? Unfortunately, even in the healthiest of marriages, this postpartum period often leaves new fathers feeling confused, alone, and rejected. Particularly for men whose love language is affection and physical touch (most men fall into this category, though not all), it is difficult to understand why their beloved wives could be so enraptured and filled with love and affection for this tiny human, and yet have nothing left for their husbands at the end of the day.

It’s important to have empathy for one another as you, together, seek to find new ways to invest in your relationship after baby.

Expectations

Chances are, you both have expectations that are unrealized, unspoken, and unmet. It’s part of being humans in imperfect relationships. But all we end up feeling is the aftermath of those unmet needs. So get ahead of those pesky expectations and talk about them as they come up. This can alleviate pressure, mitigate feelings of rejection, and ease you both into a shared journey toward rebuilding your sexual relationship.

Communication

Invite conversation about these sensitive topics. Share your feelings, your fears, your struggles, and your hopes. Lean in, not away from each other. Honest dialogue about how you're feeling and what you need, communicated with love and empathy, can lay a solid foundation as you work to rebuild the physical aspect of your relationship. And when in doubt, err on the side of over-communication!

Sensuality

As you talk, you may share that you hate your low libido and wish it would come back! You may share that you want to feel close to your partner, but you’re exhausted and overstimulated and anxious all the time. This is a perfect opportunity for a husband to realize that it is not that he is being rejected, but that his wife is struggling and trying to find new, and realistic, ways to connect. So get creative! Maybe this is snuggling on the couch (sans baby), taking a bath together, texting to stay in touch throughout the day, or learning how to give amazing massages.

Nurturing

This is a time to focus on your emotional intimacy after baby more than ever before. And if emotional intimacy is the foundation (spoiler alert: it is) and fuel for fulfilling physical intimacy after childbirth, then think of this as an investment in your future sex life. Now is the time to speak those love languages like acts of service (teamwork is key), words of affirmation (many new parents, moms and dads alike, feel like failures), and quality time (remember who you are as a couple, not just as new parents). Husbands need to know that they are still desired and needed. Wives need to know that they’re not alone raising this tiny human.

couple rebuilding intimacy after childbirth

Redefining "Normal" Rhythms of Postpartum Intimacy

The beautiful, and ironic, part of becoming new parents is that “normal” is whatever works for your family. The first step is letting go of those pre-baby expectations (picture-perfect outings, instant connection with baby, parenting is easy, strict schedules, etc.)—talk about them, and get rid of the ones that just aren’t going to work for your family in this season.

The next step is creating space for intimacy after baby when your whole life seems to be consumed by breastfeeding, sleep schedules, and poopy diapers. We make time for what is important, and too often we let what seems urgent overshadow what matters most. We have to be intentional about connecting as new parents, even in a new and overwhelming season—and about allowing it to look different than we ever thought it would.

And finally, we have to slowly rekindle and expand our definition of intimacy. We were created to connect on every level—mind, body, and spirit. Now is the time to cultivate how we can connect on those other two levels! Creating rituals is an amazing way to start a new tradition as new parents—pair quality time together with a mutually enjoyable activity (drinking coffee, watching a TV show, strolling around the block) at the same time in the same way on a regular basis (at least 3 times a week).

Remember as you talk and plan and implement your creative new solutions that intimacy is a journey in the postpartum season, not a clearly defined destination.

If the postpartum season has you and/or your spouse feeling like you’re drowning and you just can’t seem to get your feet on solid ground, it may be a good time to reach out for more help. Asking for help is always difficult, but reaching out to loved ones or your church community or close friends is a way to expand your support network and your “village.”

If your symptoms seem more like they might fit into the PMAD category or you’re still sore a few months in, it may be time to talk to a postpartum-informed therapist, pelvic floor specialist, or your PCP. There’s no shame in asking for help and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you love your family too much to keep going on the way you are. Healthy parents and a strong marriage make for a healthy family.

couple with newborn finding a new family rhythm postpartum

An Intimacy Journey After Childbirth

It’s common to view the 6-week postpartum checkup as a celebratory “sign-off on sex” appointment. Some look forward to it; many dread it. Too often women are left feeling like something is wrong with them because they can’t imagine having sex after just 6 weeks of recovery time.

Some studies show that as many as 64% of women experience some form of sexual dysfunction at 6 months postpartum. Let’s normalize a recovery period that is unique for each woman—largely dependent on her body, her birthing experience, the return of her cycle, and her emotional experience postpartum.

This will require an abundance of patience, compassion, and over-communication from both partners. What an amazing, exhausting, life-giving, frustrating season of life this is. You have created a new human together, and now you are building a new life, a rhythm, a family that is unique to you.

We all need grace for new endeavors, and this God-given, sacred adventure is no different.

Author: Kalie Moore, MA, LCMHC. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.

Further Resources:

Understanding Postpartum Anxiety: A Christian Mom’s Guide to Healing

4 Lies That Oppose God’s Design for Motherhood

When the Nurturers Need to be Nurtured: Experiencing God’s Rest in the Postpartum Season

5 Ways to Nurture Community When Mothering Littles (Risen Motherhood)

The Truth About Postpartum Hormones and Healing: A Q&A with Aviva Romm, MD by Casie Leigh Lukes