Christian Family Therapy: Identifying Family Values for Stronger Relationships
Do you know your family values? What comes to mind when you hear that question? Recently, I have worked with several families who have benefitted from completing a values exercise as a family, and I would argue that all families could benefit from identifying their values––what they believe is most important in life.
Discussion of values can come up a lot in therapy. Why is it important? Taking time to identify our values can be really powerful. Let’s say you spend time reflecting on your own individual principles and realize you place the most value onfamily, spirituality, and peace. However, when you examine your life you realize you are so bogged down by work responsibilities that you can’t remember the last time you joined your family for dinner at the table. As you continue to reflect, it hits you that you become so exhausted by Sunday that going to church is the last thing you want to do–and you can’t remember the last time you opened your Bible. You know what is important to you, and you know that your life does not currently reflect these values, and now you find yourself at a crossroads. When we identify what matters most, it is easier to make decisions that align with our needs and beliefs.
In working with families, parents often come to me feeling frustrated and at a loss. They ask me what to do to address problem behaviors with their children, conflict in relationships, and the increasing tension of day-to-day interactions. Before jumping to behavior management charts or] unrealistic goals for nightly meals around the dinner table as a family, I like to encourage my families to slow down and truly take the time to identify and understand their values.
How to Identify Your Family Values: A Practical Guide for Families
How can you do this practically?
Here is a list of values created by Therapist Aid. Feel free to use this as a guide and add in any values you feel could be important to your family that may not be on this list. Identify a time when your family can sit down all together to complete this exercise. Print copies for each member of your family, and have members take time to identify their top 3-5 values (I usually do 3) ranking them 1, 2, and 3. After each family member has completed this, go around the table having each member take turns sharing their ranked values, and why they ranked them in that order. Notice similarities and differences, and identify what your family’s top values are.
Example of Family Values in Action: The Henderson Family
Let’s look at an example. The Henderson family has four children and both parents work outside the home. The children all have different extracurricular activities, causing both parents to head off in different directions after school pick-up to take some kids to taekwondo and some kids to soccer. The oldest child, Tom, regularly butts heads with dad, feeling misunderstood and frustrated. It seems to him like his dad is always working and never has time for him anymore. Bri, the only girl in the family, wants to have fun with her siblings and parents but feels the activities the family participates in are geared towards her brothers and their interests. Maria, the mom, remembers fondly the days before she worked full-time outside of the home. She had time to do crafts with the little ones, family movie nights, and messy dinners around the table. She was always exhausted from days of meeting little ones; needs, but she had time with her kids and almost every night they ate together as a family.
When the Henderson family completes the values exercise, they find that every family member has identified “love” as one of their top three family values. In addition to this, they identified other common values such as “quality time, fun, and fairness.” Using this as a guide, the parents work together with the children to see where their current family functioning aligns with their shared values. They realize quality time is not occurring due to all the extracurricular activities during the week. They discuss the full schedule of friend’s birthday parties, church commitments, grocery store runs, laundry, and utter exhaustion that make up the family’s weekends. From here, they are able to make decisions and spend time aligning their day-to-day schedules with their family values. The boys realize that a lot of times they choose the activity that all the siblings play together because there are more of them, so Bri is always overruled. They recognize that not only does this not align with their family value of fairness, but it is also not loving or fun for Bri to only have activities she does not enjoy. The parents know they need to make adjustments to the family calendar. It is not possible to prioritize the shared value of quality time when the current schedule has the family divided and scattered. Something has to change in order for them to make room for love, quality time, fun, and fairness.
Why Family Values Matter: Benefits of Values-Based Therapy
Why does this work?
By completing this values exercise, you are making a commitment with the members of your family to align your actions to the agreed-upon family values. Making the shift to values-based language takes practice, but it can be hugely beneficial as you hold each other accountable to the commitment you made as a family. For example, instead of, “Don’t hit your sister!” a values-based shift states, “Remember, in our family we value love, and it is not loving to hit.” Children are much more likely to participate and engage in something they played a part in creating. As parents, you can remind them of their contribution to identifying values as well as their ongoing contribution to aligning actions with values.
Is this foolproof? Of course not. Sibling conflicts will still transpire, you will get bogged down by the weight of busy seasons, and you will fall short of showing love in the tone you use with your spouse. However, identifying values and working to align your family with them provides a solid base that you can return to when things go awry, tensions increase, and you feel disconnection in your family.
Taking Action: Start Building Stronger Family Connections Today
Here are some practical ways to implement and maintain this shift of values-based thinking as a family:
Get creative! If you or your family are artistic and enjoy crafts, spend time together making a collage or mixed media piece to reflect your family values. I had one family paint their values on a canvas using each member’s favorite colors. Around the words they pasted different pictures of their family throughout the years. Hang this somewhere central in your home as a visual reminder of what is important to you as a family.
Implement weekly check-ins while sitting around the dinner table. Ask questions such as, “How have we done as a family showing ____ this week? What is one way you showed our family values this week? What is one way you would like to improve in showing love to your family this week? Where did you see another member of the family showing our values this week?”
In their book, The Lifegiving Home, Sally and Sarah Clarkson discuss how they took their family’s values and used these to create what they call “24 Family Ways”, a collection of practical ways their family would adhere to their values all founded in Scripture. Clarkson writes, “They functioned as teaching tools, devotional aids, and a kind of family contract.” Are there “Family Ways” you and your family can begin to compile?
Choose a monthly or quarterly activity to engage in that is reflective of your family values. If you value yummy food as a family, could you plan quarterly outings to a new restaurant? If you value travel, is there a fun day trip or weekend getaway you can plan as a family this quarter? If you value peace, could you set aside a monthly reading time by the fireplace as a family?
If you feel the weight of family conflict, disconnection, or just want an opportunity to connect deeply with your loved ones, I would highly suggest giving this activity a try.
by Mollie Pinkham, LCSW
If you’d like more information on parenting, check out our resource page here. If you’re interested in family therapy or if you’re wondering if that’s the next step for your family, check out our relationships page. And if you know you’re ready to take that next step, whether it’s parent coaching or whole-family therapy, you can click below and set up a call with Mollie, our resident family therapist!
Further Resources:
Habits of the Household by Justin Whitmel Earley
The Lifegiving Home by Sally and Sarah Clarkson
The Intentional Family by William J. Doherty, Ph.D
