When the Nurturers Need to be Nurtured: Experiencing God’s Rest in the Postpartum Season
When you think of motherhood, what comes to mind? Depending on where you are on your own journey, the answer could vary drastically. For some, its visions of late night nursing by the glow of the nightlight and the feeling that you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. For others, it may be a bittersweet feeling, knowing that you love your children dearly and yet your days feel never ending and you could just scream at the sheer mundaneness of your current existence. Still for others, the word transports you almost immediately to a dark and lonely place that you wish you could simply erase from memory. Whether you are thriving or surviving, or somewhere in the unpredictable in-between, you belong here and my hope is to help you catch a glimpse of the hope that was always meant for you.
We spend our days as mothers (whether new or old-pros) nourishing and nurturing, attuning and containing, comforting and empathizing, teaching and discipling. It’s exhausting work–so often our greatest burden and deepest joy. But the time just after having a baby is unique in the highs and lows it presents. In the postpartum period (and even beyond for some of us!), things can get a little mixed up. Fuzzy. Unpredictable. Confusing.
If that’s where you are, or you know someone who is, keep reading.
What follows is 3 ways you can find rest in a physically and emotionally taxing time in your life. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, drained, and overstimulated, so read this in little bits if you need, and take only what is helpful for you in this season.
Choose Compassion over Control.
None of us have it all together. You’ll hear lots of unhelpful comments about how you can do it and you’ll figure it out and this too shall pass. But that’s just a means of surviving. When we spend so much time dysregulated, or with another tiny person who is often dysregulated, we can find ourselves ready to despair. You don’t have to fake it ‘til you make it. Instead of asking yourself, “What is wrong with me?” ask, “What do I need right now?”
It’s not about control–none of us have it anyway. It’s about choosing to be curious about what we need and then having enough compassion for ourselves to cry, to walk outside for 5 minutes, to ask for help. Allow yourself to take a break from comforting, and to be comforted yourself.
2. Choose Humility over Perfection
We spend our days caring for our babies and catering to their every need. But we are not robots; we need help to stay regulated sometimes too. You are not a bad mom because your baby’s screaming and your toddler’s whining unnerves you and leaves you wanting to run away or scream into a pillow. Every mom (every person!) has exposed wires somewhere in her nervous system–and kids are experts at finding them. Further, when we try to deny that we’re frazzled, we just end up feeling lonely and panicky. So before you berate yourself for your failures, it’s okay to acknowledge your humanity. Too often we forget that sometimes the best gift we can give our kids is not a cool-as-a-cucumber mom who has all the answers 100% of the time, but rather a mom who loses it and finds a way to repair the damage. A mom who apologizes and admits that, just like the little ones she’s raising, she is a sinner in need of a Savior. Allow yourself to be a human, a beloved daughter for a moment instead of a tired mama, nourished and held and nurtured by your good Father.
3. Choose Rest over Self-Reliance
Rest isn’t just physical (even though this is so important) – it’s emotional and spiritual, too. Who holds you when you are feeling lonely, afraid, overwhelmed, disappointed? Who gives you the parameters for your own emotional chaos? Who contains you when you are overstimulated, when the tears won’t stop flowing, when it feels like your body is holding the tension of an elephant on a tightrope? When the only constant is change and the mess of motherhood feels overwhelming, instead of white knuckling your day and gritting your teeth, try this instead:
Remember the nature of the Spirit of God in the very beginning, hovering over the waters and holding back chaos (Genesis 1:1-2). Then, picture yourself beneath the brooding of the Spirit, still and at peace, and allow Him to rock you to the rhythms of His overflowing love that is all around you–the rising and setting of the sun each day, the waxing and waning of the moon each month, the seasonal changes over the course of a calendar year. What may feel mundane in our everyday lives may actually be the very thing that grounds us and reminds us of the faithfulness and goodness of God. G.K. Chesterton wisely noted that “it is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon. It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them. It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.” May we rest in our Father’s childish delight in the monotony of motherhood and in His ever-present strength–holding us and sustaining us even when (especially when!) when we feel the most fragile.
What does it mean to flourish in motherhood? I think it means, at least in part, that we remember and even re-learn how to be delighted in, how to be held, how to be at rest. If we’re honest with ourselves, the postpartum period–and even beyond–represents a deep shift in our identities and in life as we had always known it. Nothing is the same. And this life-giving, sacred work of childbirth and motherhood is also life-taking. Our society's cultural messages and norms don’t help–they just tell us that this too shall pass, that the days are long and the years are short, that we can do it all, that exhaustion and anxiety and loss-of-self are badges of honor. Don’t believe it for a second. You are first a woman made in the image of God–you are an image bearer! You are beloved and your King delights to hold you, to brood over you, to contain you even as you contain the one(s) entrusted to your care. As you draw your baby to your breast, as you rock him to the comforting rhythm of your familiar heartbeat, as you tenderly care for his every need, remember that so too does your Father in heaven long to draw you near and rock you, and care for you. You are not alone, and there is One who sees you even when you feel the most invisible. Your fierce and sacrificial love is part of how you reflect the overflowing nature of God’s own love for His people–His love is after all the source of all love, the fountain from which all other love flows. No amount of diaper blow-outs or bleeding nipples or postpartum depression can ever destroy the beauty you represent in this season. Take heart, mama–you were made to be loved and you were made to love.
Author’s note: Please know that perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are not rare, but they are treatable. Some sadness and teariness is expected for up to 2-3 weeks as your body adjusts to the hormonal changes post-birth, but if you are experiencing significant sadness beyond 3 weeks, daily hopelessness and despair, uncontrollable fears, or thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please don’t hesitate to tell someone. You are not alone and what you are experiencing is not normal. You are not a bad mom—you need help. Reach out to a friend, a pastor, or find a therapist. You can reach out to a support system through Postpartum Support International (PSI) by calling 1.800.944.4773 or call your local emergency room or 911 if you are in crisis.
Author: Kalie Moore, MA, LCMHC. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.
More Resources:
G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
Christians and Counseling: Incompatible or Complementary? - DWELL
Postpartum Support International
A Gospel Prescription In Postpartum Depression — Risen Motherhood, Lindsey Carlson
Postpartum Depression and the Christian — The Gospel Coalition, Kathryn Butler
