Building a Strong Marriage: 5 Ways to Nurture Friendship and Intimacy
Understanding the Disconnect in Marriage
Joe and Hannah had been together for as long as they could remember. Their love story began in the sixth grade. And although they still playfully argued over who asked whom out first, they both knew the truth: it was Hannah who had nervously suggested their first “date:” an afternoon of sharing french fries at the mall food court. What started as a childhood crush grew into something profound that has endured life’s twists and turns.
However their relationship has been anything but a smooth ride. This middle school crush turned into teenage passion. They were inseparable. Their friends even coined a couple-name, Joe-Nah, because they were a package deal. However, Joe’s parents’ divorce cast a shadow over their high school years, and college forced them to live separate lives for the first time. They even broke up once—Hannah had been offered an internship abroad, and for a brief moment, it seemed like their story might end there. But God, as it turned out, had other plans. They found their way back to each other, reconnecting over late-night coffees and whispered dreams about their future. And then, one summer evening, everything changed. Two pink lines on a pregnancy test set them on a path neither of them were fully prepared for.
Now, twelve years into marriage, they stand at another crossroads. Their daughter, once a teetering toddler with sticky hands, is now a 14-year-old preparing to enter high school. Joe’s career has taken off, pulling him into an ever-increasing cycle of business trips and late-night emails. Meanwhile, Hannah has become the family’s anchor, juggling work with an endless schedule of school drop-offs, practices, and rehearsals.
They are a team—always have been. They love each other, of that they are sure. And yet, somewhere between PTA meetings and airport layovers, between remembering to pick up milk and making sure their daughter studies for her math test, something shifted. The spark that once drew them together, the magnetic pull that made them crave each other’s presence, now feels dull and faint.
After nearly twenty-five years of loving each other, why do they suddenly feel so far apart? Why does that passion they once felt feel so elusive?
Do you resonate with this story? Do you feel a stale, flat sense of distance when you lay next to your spouse at night? Or perhaps when you're out with other couples, you notice the spark in your friends' eyes as they interact with their spouses and crave that feeling for yourself. Maybe you oscillate between longing for your husband to sweep you into a passionate embrace and wishing he’d find another room to scroll on his phone so you don’t have to hear his mouth breathing. If so, you are not alone.
What Happens to Our Marriages? Navigating Friendship and Intimacy Over Time
Why do relationships drift into this space of disconnect? I once had a conversation with a woman who passionately believed that the antidote to a stale marriage was simply to have more sex—that all relationship problems would disappear in the bedroom. I can still hear the collective groan from women and the enthusiastic nodding from men. But is sex truly the answer? Will it restore the connection that has faded under the weight of debt, diapers, and decisions?
Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading expert on emotional connection and author of Hold Me Tight, states, "The secret to loving relationships is emotional responsiveness. When our partner reaches for us, we need to be there."
This. This quote captures the heart of connection far more than simply jumping into bed together. Sex is important, yes, and when done well, it can make a profound difference. But what our hearts truly crave is knowing that when we reach out—with words, affection, hurts, and needs—our partner will respond. In my years as a couples therapist, I’ve found that both men and women ultimately long for the same thing: to feel loved, seen, and known.
How Do We Rekindle Friendship and Intimacy in Marriage?
I love this verse in Song of Solomon where a bride passionately describes her attraction to her husband, in words that could rival even the spiciest romance novel. But at the end of her gushing, she concludes with, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend." (Song of Solomon 5:16b). That distinction—*lover and friend*—gives me pause. Are we actively pursuing our spouses in both roles?
In my experience, couples tend to be strong in one area or the other. Some have a great sexual connection but little else in common. Others enjoy deep friendship but struggle with attraction. How do we achieve both? Here are five intentional steps to build a marriage that nurtures both love and friendship:
5 Intentional Steps to Nurture Both Friendship and Intimacy in Your Relationship
1. Arrivals and Departures: Small Gestures That Strengthen Friendship and Intimacy
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, highlights the importance of how couples greet and say goodbye to each other. Small moments of connection, like a warm hug upon arriving home or a meaningful goodbye before leaving, reinforce emotional intimacy. He coined the "six-second kiss" as a way to create meaningful moments that foster connection. These small but intentional gestures communicate love and appreciation, strengthening both the friendship and romance in marriage.
2. Playfulness in Marriage: How Laughter and Fun Foster Emotional Connection
Playfulness fosters joy, reduces stress, and strengthens emotional connection. Laughter and lighthearted moments create an atmosphere where love flourishes. Whether through inside jokes, playful teasing, or fun activities together, couples who incorporate playfulness experience deeper friendship and resilience. Try incorporating this in weekly date nights, exercising together, or even cooking side by side. Interestingly, being silly is often a more vulnerable act than initiating sex! But the risk pays off in profound rewards.
3. Small Non-Sexual Touches: Enhancing Physical and Emotional Intimacy
Physical touch communicates love and affection, especially outside of sexual intimacy. Small gestures like holding hands, a touch on the shoulder, a hand on the small of your back as you walk by, or a reassuring hug help build emotional security. Research shows that non-sexual physical touch releases oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," which strengthens trust and closeness. By incorporating intentional, affectionate touch daily, couples create a deeper sense of unity and warmth.
4. Rituals of Connection: Creating Consistent Space for Love and Friendship
Rituals create security in relationships. These can be simple yet meaningful: morning coffee together, bedtime prayers, weekly date nights, or a thoughtful text during the day. Dr. Gottman emphasizes that these consistent, intentional moments build lasting emotional bonds.
Yes, even scheduling sex can be a powerful ritual. Many couples resist this, feeling it makes intimacy robotic. But think about it: We don’t wait for spontaneity to book vacations, get massages, or plan dinner with friends. We schedule these experiences and build anticipation. What if sex with your spouse was viewed the same way—something to eagerly anticipate rather than something that only happens when all conditions are perfect?
5. Non-Productive Time Together: Cultivating Presence and Emotional Bonding
In a productivity-driven world, it’s essential to simply *be* together without an agenda. Non-productive time—walking together, sitting on the porch with a cocktail, or enjoying a quiet evening with no screens or chores—cultivates peace and presence. Jesus Himself often stepped away from the demands of ministry to rest and connect with those closest to Him (Mark 6:31). Likewise, couples who prioritize unstructured, quality time strengthen their bond and create space for deeper emotional intimacy.
The Power of Small, Intentional Actions to Reignite Friendship and Intimacy in Marriage
None of these steps alone may seem earth-shattering, but as Dr. Gottman says, "It's the small things, done often, that make all the difference." Small movements toward your spouse can foster the connection we all crave—to be loved, known, and seen.
Be both friend and lover to your spouse. Take the risk, even if it means facing rejection. Love is not built on waiting for our partner to love us well first; it is built on *choosing* to first love them well.
Need Help Rekindling Your Marriage?
If you’re struggling to find your way back to a marriage built on romance and friendship, you can read more about our approach to therapy here. Dwell would be honored to pair you with a couples counselor. Our therapists provide evidence-based, biblically grounded guidance to help create the marriage you desire.
Author: Lauren Bowman, MA, LCMHC. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.
Further Resources:
4 Ways Date Night Isn’t Enough
5 Ways to Deepen Your Connection: Selfless Love in a Selfish World
