4 Ways Date Night Isn’t Enough

If you’ve been around Dwell awhile you have heard us preach the importance of Date Night, incessantly. There are even rules.  You know them—mutually enjoyable, opportunity for conversation, and it’s just the two of you. Date Night fulfills the basic relationship need for quality time that is meant for fun and pleasure, without it your relationship can become mundane and joyless.  However, Date Night is not a cure all.  As humans, we were designed to crave deep, meaningful connection with those we love.  This goes beyond what a few hours a week can give us. 

Dr. Sue Johnson (author of Hold Me Tight) conducted decades of research that identifies the downfall of most relationships as a lack of emotional connectivity.   Therefore, the opposite would ring true—emotional connectivity leads to an uplifting of our relationship. While Date Night gives us invaluable quality time and togetherness—it cannot foster a foundation of connectivity that causes a relationship to thrive. So here are 4 ways to create intimate connection beyond Date Night.

1.     Embrace the Gift of Conflict  

Yes, you read that right.  Conflict is a gift.  When conflict exists within the context of emotional safety and connection, conflict is what brings you to a deeper understanding of your partner.  Without conflict, we would not know what topics are important to each other.  Without conflict, we wouldn’t challenge each other to grow. BUT, on the flip side, conflict without emotional safety and connection tears us apart.  It creates gaps in communication, feelings of loneliness, and overall dissatisfaction with our partner.  This begs the question: How do we cultivate a perspective of conflict appreciation? 

2.     Express needs over assumptions

How many times does an argument begin or persist because we assume something?  When working with couples in a therapy context, we see that assumptions become a form of shorthand when you have been together for a long time.  We assume their coffee order because history has proven they always take their coffee with two sugars.  We assume emotional reactions because, without fail, they get frustrated when the car is parked crookedly in the garage.  Assumptions follow perceived habits or rituals. When it comes to long-term relationships, assumptions give us a sense of knowing our partner based on shared history.  When we are in a position of conflict, we need to suspend our shorthand and express need.  Expressing need puts us in a posture of asking for forgiveness, owning our faults, and validating experience. 

Assumption:  I know you are mad because I was late to dinner.  Work ran long and I couldn’t get away.  Don’t let it ruin the night.

Expressing need:  I feel guilty that you had to wait on me.  Work ran long and I couldn’t get away.  Would you forgive me for being late?

3.     Prioritize Understanding over Agreement 

Which leads into the next point.  To increase emotional safety and connectivity, we must prioritize understanding over agreement.  Often, we conflate the two together—"If I can just help him understand me, then he will agree with my point of view!” Am I right??  Understanding can exist without agreement.  In fact, if we feel the invitation to share how we feel, we feel more comfortable disagreeing with our partners without conflict. 

Understanding over Agreement: I understand that work has been stressful and it can be hard to get away.  You have a lot on your plate.  It was frustrating to wait without knowing when you would get here.  I’m glad you are here now. Yes, I forgive you. 

Understanding=Agreement:  I’m sure work is frustrating and you feel stressed.  Can’t you see it is just as frustrating to sit here, waiting on you, not knowing when you will get here.  I feel like you only think about your stress.  I had no idea when you would get here. 

Vulnerability, giving the benefit of the doubt, and extending grace all cultivate emotional safety  in a relationship. 

4.     Develop Habits of Physical Intimacy

And no, I don’t just mean sex.  Anytime the topic of intimacy is initially broached in couples therapy, couples often assume sex is the topic of conversation.  Intimacy is a broad umbrella in relationship.  It encompasses all the facets of our human nature: physical, emotional, social, and spiritual.  Earlier, we said conflict is the price you pay for greater intimacy.  This could be (and has been) interpreted as a recipe for great make-up sex.  However, if we look at the purpose of intimacy—it gives us a broader view of God’s design for relationships.  Merriam Webster define intimacy as “familiarity; something of a personal or private nature.” Webster describes intimate as “Innermost, inward, internal, deep-seated, hearty.”  This can re-color our perspective of establishing intimacy at all levels of being—specifically, looking at reshaping physical intimacy.  Too often, we reduce physical intimacy to sexual intimacy.  But it is really much more than that. 

Physical intimacy is born out of a familiarity of your partner’s physical bodies, needs, and desires.  When we have habits of physical intimacy, we develop a chemical connection that is beyond words.  Nonsexual touching releases oxytocin in our brains to reduce stress hormones such as cortisol.  Oxytocin also initiates the release of “good” hormones such as serotonin and dopamine that combat depression and anxiety.  Oxytocin bonds us to our partner in a nonverbal, nonsexual manner.  Habit of touch increases the prevalence of this chemical bond leading to a familiarity (or intimacy) of one’s presence. 

The habit of touch can be established through a 6 second kiss, hand holding, hugging for 6 seconds or longer, sitting in touching proximity on the couch, placing your hand on your partner as you walk by, massage, placing your hand on an arm or leg while sitting…there are so many examples that can be incorporated into the moments of your day that are already occurring. 

Bottom line:  Date Night is fantastic, it just isn’t enough to cultivate a healthy relationship.  Your relationship is capable of so much more when you recognize that its okay to have conflict, you don’t have to agree on everything, and physical touch will make you feel more bonded than never experiencing an argument again. 

Need some help crossing that bridge of embracing conflict?  Dwell is here to help.  We offer marriage therapy, family therapy, and individual therapy to work through your perspective on conflict.  You can reach us at info@dwellministry.org or fill out the contact us page on our website.