5 Ways to Deepen Your Connection: Selfless Love in a Selfish World
Marriage is hard work. It takes sacrifice and selflessness and a willingness to take risks. But in a time when independence and individualism and an overall “you do you” philosophy reigns, these standard requirements for a healthy and godly relationship seem terrifying and unreasonable. We are flooded with messages of what we deserve and how we can be happy. But this is not God’s design! We were created for deep and satisfying relationships - oh how our souls long for this as a foretaste of heaven! The problem is that we shop around to find the cheapest price on love, but then the cheap love doesn’t last. You get what you pay for. A 2012 study found that 55% of people divorcing listed “growing apart” as the reason for their divorce. When love doesn’t cost us anything, it is just another facade for selfish ambition, and it leads to disillusionment and dissatisfaction. It’s no wonder then that we end up divorcing and citing reasons that reflect our half-hearted natures. How can we expect to experience the most intimate relationship this side of heaven when we are not willing to pay the price? True love is faithful, self-sacrificial, unwavering, and unconditional.
So how do we achieve this kind of love in our marriages? It starts with focusing on the One who gave us this covenantal relationship to begin with. When He is our standard, the cheaper version of love that the world peddles just seems like a travesty. It is a privilege and a gift to be able to serve our spouses and work for our marriages so that they might reflect the glory of God to the world around us. Below is a list of practical things to consider in refreshing the covenantal love your marriage was designed to experience and reflect! Just remember that these suggestions are just that - suggestions. They do not have power to transform your relationship in and of themselves. They are tools that can be very effective if they are utilized with the understanding that only God can transform a relationship from the inside out. When He is King (and not ourselves or our marriages or even love itself), then living out true love is more than possible.
Be curious.
Tim Keller wisely said, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.” We must seek to both know and love our spouses by continually updating our knowledge of one another. This can happen through rituals of connection, daily check-ins, and learning to speak your spouse’s love language. Above all, keep on keeping on (1 Peter 4:8).
2. Go away together.
We encourage couples to get away together overnight or for a weekend trip at least once a year, and dates at least once a month. This is a way to let all the cares of your everyday lives fade into the background, even if just for a few hours. So you can take time to focus on each other, dream together, and remember how your love began. Make time to steal away with your love - it matters (Deuteronomy 24:5; Song of Solomon 4:9).
3. Pray
We sometimes pray as a last resort, but this should not be! Oswald Chambers noted that “prayer does not equip us for greater works— prayer is the greater work.” And so we must pray for our spouses and with our spouses. We must pray for our marriages and humbly ask how God would use our relationships for His glory. With a spirit of joy and gratitude, we must pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
4. Be Positive.
No one wants to live with a Pollyanna, but when we choose to have grateful hearts instead of harboring resentment (even in the slightest) it can change the way we see our loved ones. It’s like putting on a different pair of glasses. Your whole view of the world, and your beloved, can transform. On this note, speak well of your spouse in private and in public. You bless your beloved with your speech in this way and you guard your heart against gossip and resentment (Philippians 4:8).
5. Be quick to apologize and to forgive.
We have been forgiven much, and when we realize this we can love and forgive much more freely (Luke 7:47). Further, when we learn to listen more than we speak and reign in our anger, we can better serve our loved ones (James 1:19). Jesus didn’t just think of himself less; He made Himself nothing for us (Philippians 2:7). And so it makes sense that we should, as the Colossians were encouraged, “put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.” We are chosen and holy and beloved, and so we love others well - especially those whom God has given us in sacred covenant.
Author: Kalie Moore, MA, LCMHCA. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.
Series: Connected Relationships
References:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4012696/pdf/nihms574558.pdf
