The Power of Touch: How Nonsexual Affection Strengthens Marriage
Let’s be honest: marriage is beautiful and sometimes bewildering. Between soccer practice, budget meetings, and mysteriously multiplying laundry piles, physical affection can start to look like a luxury cruise—great in theory, but logistically tricky. And when affection does happen, it’s often misinterpreted: a back rub becomes a question mark, a hand-hold becomes a wink wink, and someone ends up disappointed, confused, or feeling lonely.
But here’s the good news: nonsexual touch—the kind that says “I love you” without leading to the bedroom—might just be the underrated superhero of your marriage. This kind of touch has deep roots in Scripture, is supported by modern neuroscience, and helps couples stay connected despite the whirlwind of everyday life.
What Is Nonsexual Touch, Exactly?
Nonsexual touch is physical affection not intended to lead to sex (yes, that really is a thing!). Think:
Holding hands on a walk
A deep hug after a long day
A reassuring hand on the shoulder
Forehead kisses while brushing your teeth
Sitting close during movie night
That gentle back rub that doesn’t require a contract of expectations
This kind of affection isn’t a consolation prize or a PG version of intimacy. It’s a meaningful, stand-alone way to express love—one that cultivates emotional closeness and makes space for trust and delight.
It’s important to remember that every couple has their own comfort zones when it comes to touch. Culture, family background, personality, and past experiences all shape how we give and receive affection. What matters most is being intentional and responsive with your spouse—learning their love languages, not just your own.
The Science Behind Touch: Why God Designed It to Matter
Science confirms what Scripture has always hinted at: touch is powerful. The same God who created the nervous system (and all those complicated neurotransmitters you forgot from biology class) designed us for connection—mind, body, and soul.
Here’s what the research says:
Touch releases oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which increases feelings of trust, safety, empathy, and connection.
It also lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. Translation: you may not be able to stop the chaos, but you can hold hands through it.
Touch activates the parasympathetic nervous system, helping us rest, digest, and emotionally regulate—aka “God’s built-in calm button.”
Several studies show that couples who regularly engage in affectionate, nonsexual touch report greater relationship satisfaction, less conflict, and more resilience in the face of stress.
Turns out, snuggling isn’t just sweet—it’s strategic.
Why It Matters: The Relational Benefits of Touch
1. Emotional Intimacy (Without the Pressure)
Nonsexual touch creates a safe space where love can be expressed without performance, pressure, or pretense. It says, “I delight in you just because you’re mine.” There’s no need to earn the affection, no hidden agenda behind the gesture—just a quiet, embodied expression of love and belonging.
This kind of affection mirrors the heart of God. In Zephaniah 3:17, we see a beautiful image of divine tenderness: “He will quiet you by his love; he will exalt over you with loud singing.” Our God is not distant or demanding—He draws near with gentle delight, soothing and celebrating us simply because we are His. In marriage, nonsexual touch can become a way we reflect that same unearned, deeply comforting love to one another.
When we feel connected to our spouse through a simple touch—whether it’s a hand on the knee, a gentle squeeze, or a passing hand on your lower back—we often don’t need words. We don’t have to dive into a deep conversation or solve all the day’s emotional puzzles. That physical connection grounds us. It says, “We’re okay. I’m here. You’re not alone.”
In seasons when emotional energy feels low or when life is too loud for long talks, these small, affectionate gestures become an anchor. They bridge the space between “I love you” and “I’m too tired to talk about it right now.” And sometimes, that’s exactly what we need: to be held, not fixed; to be near, not necessarily understood.
Nonsexual touch isn’t just a form of affection—it’s a ministry of presence.
2. Trust and Security
In the thick of a disagreement or a difficult season, a gentle, well-timed touch can do more than words ever could. A hand on the shoulder, a touch on the back, or simply sitting close—even in silence—can soften hearts and defuse tension. It communicates, “I may not have the perfect words right now, but I’m not leaving. We’re in this together.”
This kind of presence builds a deep sense of trust in marriage. It’s the steady reminder that your spouse is for you, not against you—even when you don’t see eye to eye on the budget, bedtime routines, or who left the dirty socks on the floor (again). Physical touch, when it’s offered in a spirit of care and humility, becomes a nonverbal covenant that says, “You are safe with me.”
In fact, polyvagal research shows that affectionate touch during conflict lowers heart rates and reduces cortisol (that pesky stress hormone). It gives your nervous system the cue that you’re not under threat—even if you’re discussing something hard. When safety is felt in the body, defenses come down, and the space opens for real, vulnerable conversation.
God designed us to thrive in relational safety. Throughout Scripture, He reminds His people, “I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10). In marriage, nonsexual touch echoes that same promise. It says, “I see you. I haven’t shut down. I’m choosing closeness, even in the tension.”
Over time, these small acts of gentle affection become the bricks that build a house of emotional security—a home where both partners feel free to be honest, imperfect, and deeply known.
3. Sustaining Connection in Busy Seasons
Let’s face it—life doesn’t exactly slow down to accommodate fiery romance. Between early meetings, school drop-offs, sick kids, unexpected bills, and figuring out what’s for dinner again, many couples find themselves running parallel lives instead of walking hand in hand. In those seasons (which, let’s be honest, feel like most seasons), nonsexual touch becomes a quiet yet powerful way to keep the connection alive.
A gentle touch while passing in the hallway, a quick shoulder squeeze while folding laundry, or even a foot brushing against your spouse’s under the table may seem like small, forgettable moments—but they’re not. These small moments act like emotional post-it notes, saying: “You matter. I still see you. We’re in this together—even when we’re running on fumes.”
Rhythms of Connection–The Real Game Changer
In fact, these micro-moments of affection often carry more weight than grand romantic gestures. While getaways and date nights are great, it’s the day-to-day rituals of tenderness that sustain intimacy over time. In other words, it’s not about how fancy life looks—it’s about whether connection is present in the midst of it.
Consistent nonsexual touch becomes a relational rhythm that doesn’t require a babysitter, a new restaurant reservation, or a big, heavy deep and real conversation. It weaves warmth and closeness into ordinary life—bringing your spouse emotionally near even when your schedules keep you physically apart.
These everyday gestures become emotional deposits in the marriage “bank account.” When the harder days come (and they always do), you’ll be drawing from a savings of shared presence, affection, and collaboration. In a world that constantly pulls couples in different directions (must we always divide and conquer?), nonsexual touch becomes a simple but sacred act of choosing each other—again and again.
Why Don’t We Do This More?
Despite all the benefits, many couples struggle with nonsexual touch. Here’s why:
Mismatched expectations: One spouse thinks touch always means sexual advances; the other just wanted the closeness of feeling touched. One spouse feels overtired and the idea of sex is overwhelming so they shrink away from the hand on their back; the other just wanted to feel the closeness that flirtation brings.
Personal discomfort or trauma: Past wounds can make physical affection feel vulnerable or unsafe. Sometimes touch can serve as a trigger for past trauma. Discuss what kind of touch feels safe so your partner knows how to best connect with you.
Fear of mixed signals: “If I touch them, will they think I’m initiating sex?” (Spoiler alert: probably. Just talk about it.). Sometimes a partner knows they don’t have the bandwidth for sex, but they don’t want to create a sense of rejection or start yet another fight about the frequency of sex.
Emotional distance or unresolved conflict: It’s hard to reach out physically when you’re not okay emotionally. Even in typing this article, the thought of holding hands sounds easy and light. However, when emotional distance exists, initiating holding hands feels incredibly vulnerable and risky. “We haven’t done this before, what if it is awkward and makes it worse?"
Naming these barriers honestly is the first step toward moving past them. Hedging bets, nonsexual touch was likely a critical part of your dating relationship. Rediscover what it means to initiate that touch of way of saying, “I still like you.” As with all things in marriage, grace and communication are key.
How to Cultivate Nonsexual Touch in Your Marriage
Here are some simple, research-backed, heart-forward ways to build this habit:
Start with daily rhythms: A hug hello. A kiss goodbye. Holding hands in the grocery store. An arm squeeze while riding in the car together. Small, regular moments add up.
Create physical rituals: Cuddle time before bed or when waking up. Holding hands during prayer. Sitting close on the couch, even if you’re arguing about which show to watch. Prioritize sitting next to each other during meals rather than divide yourself between the kids.
Use nonverbal support: A hand on the back during a tough phone call. A foot rub when your spouse has had a long day. Standing shoulder to shoulder when you ask the inevitable, “How was your day?” Even eye-contact in a room full of people can show nonverbal support that your partner is a priority to you.
Talk about it: Ask your spouse what kind of touch feels comforting. Respect differences. Don’t make assumptions. God designed every one of us to need touch, we just have to discover what touch feels safe and not overwhelming.
Remember, you’re not trying to manufacture a Hallmark movie. You’re showing up—body and soul—for the long-haul covenant of love.
As a side note: These rituals may not seem profound or as if they can overcome the great needs that exist in your marriage. But cling to this hope: the rituals of touch you develop in your marriage will have a long-term lasting legacy with your kids and how they show up in their own marriages. If you model a culture of closeness, safety, and fun in your marriage, your kids are more likely to repeat what they see as they are choosing a partner.
A Call to Action: How to Incorporate Nonsexual Touch Today
God didn’t just give us minds to understand love or mouths to say it—He gave us bodies to show it. Nonsexual touch isn’t a substitute for emotional or sexual intimacy—it’s a pillar that holds them both up. In a world that often confuses love with performance or pressure, these small acts of tenderness remind us of something truer: love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:7).
So here’s your challenge: touch your spouse today. Not for any reason other than love. A hand in theirs. A squeeze on the shoulder. A hug that lingers for a few extra seconds. A six-second kiss as you are leaving. It’s not magic, but it is miraculous.
God made us for connection. Let’s not forget the power of a simple, loving touch.
Author: Lauren Bowman, LCMHC, Co-founder of Dwell
*If you’re interested in learning more about relationships or what relationship therapy can look like, check out our relationship therapy page or click here to book a free 15 minute consult with one of our clinicians.
Further Resources:
Is Marriage Therapy Helpful? A Biblical Perspective on Healing and Growth
The Power of Touch - Family Life
