More Than Roses: How to Build a Marriage That Lasts Beyond Valentine’s Day
February arrives dressed in red roses, heart-shaped candy, and (dare I say) manufactured expectations. Valentine’s Day invites us to celebrate romance—but for many couples, it also quietly highlights what feels missing. Maybe the day feels disappointing. Maybe it feels like pressure. Maybe it feels like a reminder of the “spicy romance” we read about in books but don’t always experience in real life.
If that’s you, you can exhale. You’re not failing. You’re simply being invited into something deeper.
Because lasting love isn’t built by one candlelit dinner or a grand romantic gesture. It’s built the other 364 days of the year. Valentine’s Day can be a sweet celebration—but it can also be a powerful reminder that if we want a thriving marriage, we have to take ownership in creating it.
Take Inventory: Is Your Marriage Thriving or Just Surviving?
To begin, let's first reflect:
How was the last year?
Am I truly happy?
What needs to change to live more fully on mission?
We’re quick to set big, hopeful goals—often with little plan for how to follow through. We’ve written before about goal setting that leads to intentional change, and marriage is no exception to this season of motivation and reset. As we take inventory of our lives, our marriages often bubble to the surface.
Does he still find me attractive?
Does she respect my opinion?
Why don’t I feel loved the way I once did?
Left unchecked, these questions can quietly pull us into a spiral of discouragement, or even hopelessness. And Valentine’s Day, with all its glitter and expectation, can unintentionally magnify that ache.
But here’s the truth:
Most marriages don’t fall apart from one big betrayal. They slowly thin out from inattention and disconnection. We see this evidenced in studies by famous marriage authors like Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson.
We get busy. We manage schedules. We survive seasons.
And before we know it, we’re co-managers of a household instead of covenant partners on mission together.
Starting 2026 intentionally in your marriage isn’t about lofty resolutions or manufactured romance. It’s about choosing—on purpose, again and again—to pursue one another the way God relentlessly pursues us: with presence, grace, truth, and commitment.
Valentine’s Day romance is sweet. Covenant love is sustaining.
Let’s talk about how to build that kind of marriage—practically, spiritually, and realistically.
How to Create a Shared Vision for Your Marriage
Most couples have individual goals but never create a shared vision. Vision is what steadies your relationship when feelings fluctuate (because, let’s be honest, they will).
Instead of asking, “Are we happy?” try a far more useful question: “How am I pursuing my spouse?”
Happiness is a fickle beast. It will convince you to chase quick dopamine hits or use your spouse as a happiness vending machine.
Happiness isn’t the goal; it’s the byproduct of consistently pursuing what matters most.
And if happiness is a byproduct, wandering aimlessly isn’t a strategy. Even romance needs a roadmap. What are we doing—together and individually—to cultivate joy, contentment, and connection? Build those practices, and happiness tends to show up on its own—uninvited but right on time.
Vision-Setting Questions Every Couple Should Ask
Set aside 60–90 minutes. Phones away. No problem-solving allowed—this is dreaming, not debating.
When we look back on 2026, what do we hope we can say about us?
What felt most life-giving in our marriage this past year? What drained us?
Where do we sense God inviting us to grow—emotionally, spiritually, relationally?
What do we want our home to feel like this year?
What kind of couple do we want our kids (or community) to observe?
What is the purpose of our marriage?
Pro tip: If this conversation turns into a spreadsheet or a soapbox, pause. Vision requires curiosity, not control. Remember, we are not creating tasks, but a direction to filter future decisions.
Healthy Habits That Build a Stronger Marriage
Connection doesn’t come from one epic Valentine’s date night. It’s built in small, repeatable moments that quietly say, “I still see you. I still choose you.”
John Gottman famously reminds us, “It’s the small things done often that make all the difference.” That quote lives rent-free in my brain because it consistently proves true in real life.
Sure—if we go on a monthly date night, successfully avoid talking about the kids, the house, and work, enjoy good food and wine, and maybe even end the night with decent sex—we’ll probably feel connected…for a moment.
But what if we flipped the script?
What if we spent 30 days investing in small touches, shared laughter, neighborhood walks, and meaningful check-ins—and then went on the date night? At that point, connection isn’t something you’re trying to manufacture for an evening. It’s already there. You’re all but guaranteed to feel connected before, during, and after your evening together.
Connection isn’t built on categories of moments—it’s built on a culmination of moments. It’s not sustained by date nights or sex alone. It grows when you feel seen, known, and genuinely cared for by the person who knows you most intimately.
Real truth: Love without structure relies on feelings. Covenant love creates guardrails for when feelings fail. Creating structure around connection ensures that when we walk through valleys, we walk through them together.
Moments of Connection (the boring stuff that works)
Daily check-ins: One question every day — “What brought you joy today?”
Rituals: Coffee together, evening walks, prayer before bed—even brief ones.
Turning toward bids: When your spouse says, “Look at this” or “Can I tell you something?”—that’s an invitation. Say yes when you can.
Nonsexual Touch (Yes, This Matters)
Touch builds safety, not just desire.
Holding hands while driving
Sitting close on the couch
A long hug (20 seconds—science backs this up)
A hand on the back while passing in the kitchen
Nonsexual touch says, “I want closeness, not just outcomes.”
Want to read more about this? Check out this article from Lauren on the power of nonsexual touch.
Playful Fun (because marriage is not a board meeting)
Laughter bonds. Play disarms defensiveness.
Inside jokes
Games, sports, or friendly competition
Being silly on purpose (yes, even when life feels heavy)
If you can’t remember the last time you laughed together, that’s not a failure—it’s a signal.
Pursuing Each Other the Way God Pursues Us
God doesn’t pursue us when we’re impressive—He pursues us always, including when we’re distracted, defensive, and wandering. That’s the model.
What that looks like practically:
Initiating the repair cycle instead of keeping score. Choose to acknowledge the hurt, apologize where appropriate, and put it in the past.
Choosing presence over punishment. Weaponized silence is effective—I won’t lie. But what it accomplishes is a power differential that states, “I choose my hurt over you.”
Staying engaged even when your spouse disappoints you. You’re allowed feelings of disappointment or discouragement. Don’t allow them to dictate your presence. Remain engaged, take a breath, and share those feelings.
Ask yourselves:
How do I pursue my spouse when I feel unseen?
Where do I withdraw instead of leaning in?
What would it look like to love my spouse the way Christ loves the Church—steadfast, intentional, sacrificial?
This doesn’t mean tolerating harm or avoiding boundaries. It means choosing a love that moves toward, not away. Need help differentiating between the two? Schedule a marriage session with one of our trauma-informed marriage specialists.
Final Encouragement
Intentional marriages aren’t perfect. They’re practiced. If you feel behind, discouraged, or disconnected, hear this clearly: Starting now still counts. Start with one conversation. One habit. One act of pursuit. Because marriages don’t thrive accidentally. And neither does intimacy.
Author: Lauren Bowman, LCMHC, CCTP, co-Founder of Dwell Christian Therapy
