Helping Children Cope with Big Emotions: Therapist Strategies for Parents

Tantrums, meltdowns, and big feelings. Sometimes it doesn’t take much–an improperly cut pb&j sandwich, a “no” at the toy store, or a request to transition to bathtime and jammies might be all it takes to push a little human over the edge. These moments can leave parents feeling frustrated, at a loss, and perhaps even wanting to scream and cry themselves. This is not uncommon, and if you find yourself in the middle of a grocery aisle with a screaming child, you are not alone, and you are not a bad parent. 

Below is a process I, as a licensed therapist, have found helpful for children, parents, and families as they attempt to make the shift from dysregulated emotions and unhealthy coping skills to emotional regulation and effective coping.

1. Teach Your Child to Identify and Name Their Feelings

A major difference between children and adults–a difference that makes it much easier for adults not to lay on the ground screaming when they become angry–is that adults have a more fully developed brain leading to stronger problem solving and critical thinking skills. Children not only lack brain development, but oftentimes they also lack the language and vocabulary needed to articulate how they are feeling. 

Common feelings that lead to meltdowns or tantrums include anger, frustration, and anxiety. These feelings trigger the brain’s stress response (originating from the amygdala) which can send the body into a state of “fight, flight, or freeze.” However, naming a feeling can shift the amygdala’s stress response to the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking and problem solving). It can take time and practice to make the shift of identifying feelings; however, as Diane Alber writes in A Little Spot of Feelings, “Once you discover how to name your feelings, you will discover new things about yourself. It will also make you feel amazing!”

The first step in strengthening your child’s ability to cope with big feelings is to make it a goal to help your child name and identify their feelings. Naming is the first step to regulating. 

Practical steps to help your child with this:

• Point out feelings when you see them in the media. As you read to your child or watch a movie as a family, take time to point out feelings you see in the characters. Help them begin to notice clues for feelings such as facial expressions and body language. 

• Get a feelings chart or a feelings wheel for older kids. There are many free options for feelings charts online, and they can be a helpful tool as children begin to build their feelings vocabulary. Look for feelings faces for younger kids. (Faces of real children can be beneficial as it helps to normalize children experiencing a range of emotions.) As children get older or develop a larger feelings vocabulary, you could make the transition to a feelings wheel. 

• Add feelings into existing rhythms of connection. If you already ask your child about their day at school, go a step further and ask them to name a time they felt sad, excited, nervous, etc. If your family shares the best and worst part of their day at the dinner table, take it a step further and have every family member add a feelings word to these experiences.

2. Create a Calm Down Space for Your Child

It might be hard to believe, but the negative behaviors displayed by a child during their meltdowns or tantrums (ie. hitting, kicking, screaming) are, in fact, serving them in some way. These behaviors help to provide a release of difficult emotions. Anger, frustration, and anxiety are often physical emotions meaning they create physical sensations in the body when experienced. Engaging in behaviors such as hitting, kicking, and screaming can feel like the body’s natural response to these physical feelings–especially for a child who lacks the impulse control and critical thinking skills to think through the implications and consequences of these behaviors. 

The job as parents and caregivers then becomes teaching children more healthy and helpful ways to regulate their difficult emotions. Regulation is hard work but produces connection and growth.

Practical steps to help your child with this:

• Work together with your child to brainstorm ways they can help their body calm down and make a list. If your child is younger and cannot read, find and print pictures of the coping strategies. 

• Create a space that is theirs with the sole purpose of helping them regulate their bodies. Put as many tools as possible in this space. Include the list you made with them in their calm down space.

• Due to the physicality of these big emotions, work to make sure some regulation skills on this list include movement. Some ideas include hitting a tree with a stick, jumping up and down on the trampoline, dribbling a basketball, cleaning baseboards, or jumping up and down. 

I often hear from parents and children that these new coping skills “just don’t work”. The problem is many children have developed habits of coping through these unhelpful, or lazy, strategies (hitting, kicking, screaming, throwing) and it takes a great deal of intention and effort to begin to try new strategies. One of the benefits to creating a coping space is that you are providing your child with many options for developing new skills. This is important because not every coping skill will work for every individual. However, it is also true that trying something new often feels uncomfortable and clunky at the start. It takes time and practice to increase comfort and make progress in a new skill. One way I encourage parents to help with this is to practice the skill outside of moments of distress. A moment where your child is out of sorts and dysregulated is not fertile ground for a new skill to take root; however, if parents and children are practicing these skills in moments of calm (before bed, in the car, around the dinner table), they are much more likely to succeed. 

3. Model Healthy Coping Skills as a Family

“Kids learn more from observation than information.” –David Thomas in Raising Emotionally Strong Boys. It can feel overwhelming to break old habits. The reality is almost everyone can benefit from increasing emotional awareness and building new, healthy coping skills. Commit as a family to include more feelings language in your day-to-day. Commit to modeling healthy coping skills such as taking a time out, pausing for deep breaths, and breaking out the jumping jacks when you feel yourself becoming dysregulated. Be a family who seeks to reconcile and repair relationships with one another when you have failed to take the time to identify feelings and regulate in a healthy way. It is bound to happen! Practice does not mean perfection, but it does mean you are making progress towards bettering yourself and your family. 

Practical steps to help your child with this:

• Sit down as a family and acknowledge the problem. The conversation can start something like this, “Our family has developed some lazy and unhelpful ways of coping with difficult feelings”. Instead of the responsibility being primarily on the kids, allow your children to see parents that are making these intentional changes alongside them. 

• Have everyone in the family develop a list of their ideas for healthy coping strategies. Have members take turns sharing their ideas. 

• Model feeling identification. Let your children see you taking the time to tie an emotion to an experience. When you share about the high and low parts of your day, be intentional about adding in how you were feeling. Bring this feelings vocabulary into everyday conversations.

• Model the practice of coping well. Let your children see you practice and utilize your own new coping skills.

I often hear from parents that these tools and strategies were not taught to them as children. The good news is it is never too late to begin the work of identifying and regulating feelings. This is not easy work, and it can feel overwhelming and disheartening at times to change ingrained and life-long patterns. However, committing to practice and grow in the work of regulation is deeply satisfying and has the ability to provide lasting change in families. 

Parenting through tantrums, big feelings, and emotional overwhelm can be exhausting, and many parents quietly wonder if they’re doing it “right.” The truth is, seeking support is not a sign of failure — it is a meaningful step toward creating a more connected and emotionally healthy family. Child and family therapy offers a space to better understand your child, learn practical tools for regulation, and grow in confidence as a parent. At Dwell, we consider it a privilege to walk alongside families as they build these skills together. If you’re ready for additional support or simply curious about what therapy could look like for your family, we invite you to visit our Child and Teen Therapy page and our Relationship Therapy page to learn more. You can also click on the button below to schedule a free consult or contact us now.

Author: Mollie Pinkham, LCSW

Recommended Resources: 

• Diane Alber’s books: A Little Spot of Feelings for gaining general emotional literacy. Alber also provides books on recognizing specific emotions such as anxiety and anger if there are particular emotions your child struggles with

• Raising Emotionally Strong Boys by David Thomas

• Raising Boys & Girls Podcast (Episode 206, 211, 216)