Finding Connection in Community: Addressing Loneliness in the Church
Cynthia was the most active member of my former church. She was there every time the door opened, participating in every group meeting, Sunday School class, and Bible study, always surrounded by a large circle of friends. I didn’t know until years later, when she confided in me in secret, that she went home every night feeling empty and alone.
Cynthia’s admission surprised me. Of all the people at church, she was the last one I imagined feeling lonely. But I was basing my judgment on stereotypes, having somehow come to believe that the only members of society who ever feel lonely are elderly shut-ins with limited mobility and few (if any) visitors. Yet Cynthia opened my eyes to the realization that anyone can feel lonely, even when surrounded by fellow believers.
Maybe this is why the traditional definition of “loneliness” bothers me so much. The Oxford Learners’ Dictionary describes it as “a feeling of being unhappy because you have no friends or people to talk to.” But this definition is misleading; it implies that loneliness occurs only when you’re alone, but that it vanishes as soon as you socialize. Yet anyone who has felt lonely in a crowd knows this is not true.
Cynthia herself can testify that no amount of hyper-involvement, no flock of friends or full social calendar, can cure that deep, hollow ache of loneliness - which leads to a more fitting definition of the word: “the emotional distress that results when inherent needs for intimacy and companionship are not met.” This means anyone can be caught off guard when this distressing emotion creeps in. The pastor’s wife who homeschools and shuttles her kids to various playdates can feel lonely. So can the new mom on maternity leave who stays home with her baby, or the college freshman who just moved into a dorm full of strangers. Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone.
Christianity tells us that in all things that trouble our heart, we should turn to God. Maybe you’re wondering, How can I turn to God and relate to Him when He doesn’t understand how I feel? But He does. Remember: Jesus Christ Himself knew the ultimate form of loneliness. Sure, when He began His ministry and performed numerous miracles of healing, He gathered thousands of followers who offered seemingly endless devotion. Yet when He was prosecuted, even His closest friends left, fleeing and hiding in fear. In the darkest moment of all, when Jesus felt abandoned on the cross, He cried out, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). He experienced the ultimate emotional void.
And we can find comfort in Jesus’s loneliness. Knowing that He has been there, that he gets it, can make it easier to run to Him.Our prayers don’t have to be fancy, and we need not feel ashamed when we feel lonely. After all, God already knows when we feel that way, so why not tell Him? He will respond - maybe not in the way we imagine, maybe not immediately, but He does promise to hear us, to be with us, and to provide for us even in the depths of our pain (Psalm 34:18; John 16:24; John 16:33)
But remember that suffering is part of this fallen world, and we may continue to feel lonely every now and then - or quite often. If you do, it doesn’t mean you have prayed the wrong way or committed some great sin, and it most certainly doesn’t mean that God is not good. In His ultimate goodness, He feels compassion for us and He loves us, and He may permit uncomfortable feelings so that He can use them for our good and His glory (Romans 8:26-39).
God also wants us to connect with fellow believers for support and encouragement - and not just a superficial connection that happens when you volunteer side-by-side only occasionally speaking. God wants us to form intimate relationships that allow us to experience some of His love and peace here on earth. This means not just leading a Sunday School class, but meeting before the class to join hands and pray together. It means not just delivering meals to shut-ins, but staying to talk with them, to show interest in their lives and ask about their own spiritual journeys. It means calling brothers and sisters in Christ to check on them and pray with them. When we help others feel less alone in their battles, we feel less alone in ours.
Yet the pursuit of easing loneliness need not be only on the individual’s shoulders. The church can play a huge role in helping its community address this epidemic, as we are called to be the Lord’s “hands and feet” (1 Corinthians 12:27). When church leadership emphasizes the importance of companionship and community, congregants are more likely to value their community - not just the community beyond the walls of the church building, but the one within its walls as well.
Most churches already recognize the importance and power of outreach, whether it’s by offering VBS, volunteering in pregnancy centers, hosting trunk-or-treats, or sending youth groups on missions trips. Yet the type of message they send is crucial: Instead of presenting the church as a place to visit and join, they can present it as a place to belong. A fundamental characteristic of loneliness is a feeling of not having a unique place where one is needed and wanted, and the church could alleviate this feeling by saying, “We have a place for you here. This is where you can belong.”
Remember that loneliness is universal, and that even our Savior experienced it. But we need not let it defeat us. God gave us our fellow Christians to offer encouragement and support. He gave us His Word and His only Son. It’s why Jesus came, and it’s why He died. Jesus told the Pharisees and His disciples, “I came that they might have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Let’s embrace the abundant life God desires for us!
As you work through your feelings of loneliness and attempt to take the steps mentioned in this article, remain honest with yourself and your thoughts and feelings. Loneliness can turn into depression, and if you fear that this has happened to you, please know you need feel no shame. You also need not face it alone. Seeking help from a mental health professional to help you sort through the roots of loneliness can be beneficial and life-changing.
Like countless others, Cynthia found comfort in knowing that our Lord Jesus understood her loneliness. She found peace in realizing that He had come to eliminate it. And she found joy in recognizing that her salvation meant she was never truly alone, for Christ Himself lived within her. He never promised a life without trouble; in fact, He said we should expect it (John 16:33). But He continued, “Take heart! I have overcome the world.” Friends, He does not leave us to struggle on our own. Take heart. Even in the midst of unbearable loneliness, we can have courage and we can be confident in the goodness of God. But most of all, we can have hope that we will not always feel this way. In Christ there is light, even in the darkest of places, and there is hope for brighter days ahead.
Author: Jessie Tucker Mitchell, MA, LCMHCA, NCC, Clinical Therapist
More Resources:
He Was Made for Another World | Desiring God
Loneliness in Middle and Old Age
The Loneliness Cure - Lauren Bowman, Dwell
