When Christian Marriage Expectations Don’t Match Reality: Finding Grace in the Imperfect

So you married Prince Charming and he isn’t so charming…

Or you married Cinderella and she does not sing while she does your laundry…

Maybe you married the beast and he did not present you with a beautiful library…

You married “the perfect person for you” and they’re…not so perfect…

Your “happily ever after” is a little rocky and a little more complicated than you anticipated…

So you woke up after a beautiful wedding and you’re married to a human and it’s not a fairy tale? It’s normal life? Welcome, you’re not alone!

Unrealistic Christian Marriage Expectations: Where Do They Come From?

Many of us were told the story that being married is “the dream,” “the goal,” the “plan for your life.” Romcom culture plays right into the challenge of developing realistic expectations too because it romanticizes challenges – or at least gets us to laugh at them instead of respecting the difficulty of actually living in that moment. Our parents and loved ones or older friends also romanticize living in their first apartments or homes, being “poor as church mice” and loving each other through it. Isn’t that beautiful?  Raising babies on no sleep and buying each other their favorite cereals for Christmas while living in a cracker box - what a sweet story.

The Disconnect Between Reality and Expectation in Christian Marriages

It’s so easy to brush past the reality of what it’s like to actually live paycheck to paycheck as careers are just beginning when we’re talking to “adult adults” who still like each other and have been married long enough to live well together and still enjoy one another. They have enough space and emotional distance that they can laugh off the challenges they went through. But when we don’t take that into account, we come to expect “it” - the whole package - immediately.  We expect to be so in love that the challenges seem easy. We expect to navigate making tough decisions together with ease. We expect we won’t have the silly arguments others tend to have over which way the toilet paper rolls (which quickly divulges into whose mom is easier to live with…).  We expect to be perfect at something we’ve never tried our hand at. 

But once you arrive in your first week after the honeymoon, his breath stinks first thing in the morning, or her hair clogs up the drain (so romantic, I know), or the dog throws up on the rug and you’re fighting over who needs to clean it up. It’s less than a shiny perfect example of marriage. 

Even Christian Couples Struggle to Set Realistic Marriage Expectations

We all struggle to create realistic expectations for ourselves in a variety of seasons.  We expect our new job will be AMAZING and maybe it is, for a little while until the new wears off and we remember we’re working with other humans – regular people, not robots, and definitely not angels. Or we expect that having a new puppy will be the perfect addition to our family, and we forget about the not-sleeping-and-cleaning-up-dog-pee-in-the-middle-of-the-night part. Or we expect that we’ll get married and everything will be wonderful because we’ll be together. And then forever feels like a scary word.

We’re left comparing ourselves to Disney legacies and romcom culture and we fall woefully short, because it’s not real. And we wonder: Did I do this wrong? Did I miss something? You didn’t. You’re just learning how to be married.

To add yet another layer, in Christian culture there is a reverence for marriage and rightfully so. Marriage is God ordained: “let me make a helper for him” (Genesis 2:18).  But expecting ourselves to be “Proverbs 31 women” or wise men of God overnight is probably a little unrealistic. Expecting our marriages to immediately look like God’s love for the church? Possibly unfair. These are great goals to work towards - but it is something you’ll spend the rest of your lives working toward, not an overnight miracle (or even a first 5 years kind of goal). 

These expectations and goals can make daily living challenging when we do get married and things are not as immediately wonderful as we had eagerly anticipated. Getting along with someone day-to-day can be hard, intimacy can be challenging, learning not just to communicate kindly at our worst, but also to apologize for when we don’t, walking through new seasons with less independence and more interdependence can be tough. Shifting from fun dates to the daily grind together; adjusting to new responsibilities and navigating our own expectations or our partner's expectations which are often unspoken (even unrealized) – this is what makes marriage beautiful and so so hard. 

The Good News: Christian Marriages Are Meant to Grow

Hard seasons are part of living in a fallen world and we can have hope!  We can hold both–by learning to adjust our expectations and grow with– not against–the person with whom we have entered this precious covenant. Part of the gift of marriage is getting to see the work of the Holy Spirit in us, helping to convict us when we are too harsh or unkind, guiding us in how to love our spouses, showing grace (as we have been shown grace, Ephesians 2:8-9) when it is undeserved, and knowing we serve the same God and are daily being sanctified together. This is sanctification, and marriage is a sacred space where it unfolds—every day.

We can choose to see this for what it is: an opportunity to serve one another in love and to reflect Christ’s love for the church as a testimony to the world! A beautiful gift and a challenge. 

Practical Steps to Adjust Christian Marriage Expectations

So from here, let’s take a step back and take some steps to change a possibly disheartening and frustrating trajectory to one full of hope, humility, and Christ-like love. What follows is a list of tips and ideas for you to reflect on and implement together.

1. Consider what is realistic in your life with the person you married in this season. What have you enjoyed so far? What has been difficult? Why do you think this is? Grieve the loss of the picture you had in your head, but don’t stay there. Grief can be so healing, but we can’t grieve well if we’re not able to name the loss we feel.

2. Get thankful –not to pretend everything is fine, but because gratitude is good for your brain and your heart. Science has clearly linked gratitude and overall mental health, showing that gratitude has the power of engaging the parts of our brains responsible for reward, and cultivating a healthy mindset. Gratitude also helps to shape our faith by reminding us of all the wonderful things the Lord has done and is actively doing. Identify at least 5 things that are good about where you are and who you love. Choose to focus on these. 

3. Going forward, work on acknowledging both things–the hard and the good, leaning on the truth in both: 

• This season may be (tense, stretching, stressful, challenging) AND God is faithful in every season.  

• This week we have struggled to get along AND we can work through this (we argued without being disrespectful about the upcoming family vacation).  

• Money is tight this month, AND the Lord provides (and we can make time to sit down this week and actually create a budget and hold each other accountable). 

• Marriage is hard sometimes AND I have a great partner in this. 

Remember that you are together in this, so don’t let peripheral issues polarize your relationship. This is easier said than done, but work to adjust your thoughts and language to reflect a team mindset; remember your spouse is not the enemy! And if issues seem to be coming up again and again, or if they seem more than peripheral, it might be time to reach out for some extra help and support. Seeking help from a professional does not mean you have failed–quite the opposite in fact. This is the time to build a solid foundation for your marriage, for the rest of your lives. So make it a strong one–and if that means calling on a professional to help get you on firm footing, well then that’s just called wisdom.

Your Christian Marriage Might Not Be Perfect—But It Can Be Beautiful

So you woke up after a beautiful wedding and you’re married to a human and it’s not a fairy tale? You’re not alone. Many people have unrealistic expectations for marriage and life in general.  Not just from Disney and rom-com culture, but from our own imaginations and hope for perfection - the perfection we were created for in the garden. But here on earth, on this side of eternity, life is not always heavenly and learning to adapt and love the lives we have is challenging and beautiful–and so worthwhile.

So you married Prince Charming and he isn’t so charming…

Or you married Cinderella and she does not sing while she does your laundry…

You’re welcome here.  

Here on this planet, as humans–Christians who are not perfect–who fail and are failed, we were created for something we will long for until we reach Heaven. For now, we get the opportunity to love others as Christ loved us and to keep trying even when we fail or are failed. There is beauty in sanctification, and marriage is such a special opportunity to participate in and be an observer (a very up close and personal observer) of the work God is actively doing in our lives. Every. Single. Day. We have the opportunity to witness and be a part of the beauty of forgiveness personally and recognize the gift and the challenge that it offers. Real life is messy and it is still good. 

Author: Anna Whited, MA, LCMHCA, CTP

Anna is currently accepting new clients and specializes in anxiety. Click below to book now!

Further Resources: 
Why the First Year of Marriage Is So Important - Sheri Stritof, VeryWell Mind

Why The First Year of Marriage Is So Stinkin’ Hard - Heidi Goehmann

Is Marriage Therapy Helpful? A Biblical Perspective on Healing and Growth - Lauren Bowman, Dwell Christian Therapy & Training