When the Holidays Don’t Feel Merry: Navigating Grief at Christmas

Whether we are conscious of it or not, there are so many expectations that come with the holidays, the social gatherings and events we’re supposed to attend, how and where we serve in the community, the traditions we feel responsible to incorporate, navigating time with different parts of our families, and giving the “right” gifts without being too much or too little. There is a lot to balance, even when it hasn’t been explicitly stated. But what do we do when the most wonderful time of the year doesn’t feel so wonderful? What do we do when grief sits like a heavy blanket around our hearts and minds as we navigate what is supposed to be a season of great joy. What follows are a few thoughts from a trained therapist for navigating what can be an emotionally challenging season. My hope is that you take what serves you and gently set aside anything that doesn’t.

1. Name the Grief

I think it’s important to note that grief is an experience that evolves with us. It isn’t something we acknowledge once and then bury, never to be felt or affected by again. Grief can be recent and raw, or it can be old and settled. Regardless of its form, it changes us and becomes part of our stories. It can resurface years later—sometimes at a new milestone, sometimes seemingly out of the blue. It’s not usually as sudden as it seems, even if it catches us off guard. Even when it feels unexpected, it typically isn’t random—and recognizing those milestones and sensory cues can sometimes help us prepare for it. Its return doesn’t signal regression; it means you’re human, and it means you have lost someone or something of real value. The holidays tend to highlight absence, memories, and change. They remind us of what once was and can stir up longings for what could have been. Naming what or who we miss, or acknowledging how we wish things were different, can help us step into the present and experience it more fully. They remind us of what once was and can stir up longings for what could have been. Naming what or who we miss, or acknowledging how we wish things were different, can help us step into the present and experience it more fully.

Allowing ourselves to sit with the discomfort of grief, instead of dismissing or suppressing it, can be deeply grounding. Avoided grief tends to surface at the worst moments or linger beneath everything. But acknowledging it and creating room to feel can offer a greater sense of control and the freedom to fully miss what is gone—to feel the ache, and to notice the places where loss has left its mark.

And if you aren’t sure how to name it, one helpful question to ask yourself is: If I went to sleep and woke up tomorrow and everything was exactly the way I wished it would be, what would that look like? For example, maybe you picture waking up and hosting Christmas in a new home because the family member who always hosted is no longer here. Or perhaps you find yourself watching Hallmark movies where Christmas Day is filled with harmony and connection, while your own day feels tense with family conflict or uncertainty about how to navigate the dynamics. Those longings and contrasts can help reveal what your heart is truly aching for—and naming them can be the first step toward grounding yourself in the present moment.  

2. Let Go of “Shoulds” 

When it comes to the holidays, some of the most common pressures are to attend events, shop, host, or simply “be okay and be merry and bright.” Yet there are days and weeks when those pressures can feel like pouring more water into an already sinking ship. Every season does not have to look the same, and just because one year feels different doesn’t mean it will always be this way. 

One helpful reframe is to remember that where pressure and expectations exist, there is also invitation—an invitation to give yourself and others permission to simplify plans, to reduce obligations, or to say “no” to something this year. Saying no or choosing to simplify doesn’t mean you’ll never have the desire or capacity to do those things again; it simply means you’re choosing to approach this season in a way that honors your present reality. Reframing expectations in this way becomes an act of care, not selfishness. Rest isn’t indulgent—it’s stewardship. Caring for your own mind, body, and spirit honors the limits God built into you, and allowing yourself to be renewed helps you offer your best to the people who depend on you.

3. Remember What Has Been Lost

While things may feel different, it doesn’t mean you can’t create or continue meaningful traditions. You might light a candle in honor of a loved one, hang an ornament that reminds you of the person you miss, donate to a charity they cared about, or offer prayers of gratitude for the time and experiences you shared with them. You can also honor them by sharing stories, writing them down or telling them to others, writing a letter to the one you miss, or cooking a meal or visiting a place that brings their memory close. Integrating remembrance in a way that is honest to where we are in the process allows us to acknowledge our grief rather than avoid it. This year may look completely different from any year before, and that is okay. We are free to step into something new instead of feeling bound to repeat what has always been done. Remember, grief can be an invitation to finding the balance of honoring the past without losing the freedom to create fresh expressions of joy and connection. 

4. Take Care of Yourself Emotionally & Spiritually

It’s okay to normalize the range of emotions that might come up over this season. Moments or days of sadness, numbness, joy, guilt, or even anger are completely normal. Experiencing an emotion does not mean it defines everything about your life or who you are as a person. Grief is messy, and it is not a linear journey. Engage in practical coping skills as emotions rise and fall, whether that is a grounding exercise, going for a walk, journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or listening to music. Spiritual support through prayer, lament, and reflecting on scriptures like Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3, and Revelation 21:4 can also be grounding. We have a Creator who has experienced grief and suffering, and He is not asking for perfection. He meets us where we are and walks with us through our grief. It is also important to remember that allowing moments of joy without guilt is good, and it does not dishonor or lessen the loss you have experienced.  We were created with an incredible, God-designed capacity for emotion, and it’s completely normal to hold more than one feeling at a time. Remembering this can be deeply freeing, especially as we navigate grief.

5. Expect Differences in How Family Members Grieve

There will be differences in how family members grieve, and that is okay. Some may want to

keep everything exactly the same, others may want to start new traditions, and some may want to avoid the experiences altogether. Remember, this season is an invitation to extend grace to ourselves and to others. You are not responsible for managing anyone else’s grief or emotions, only your own. It is also okay to communicate your needs gently and clearly with others, including yourself. Giving others space while still protecting your own well-being is healthy and appropriate.

This might look like setting time limits on how available you are to friends and family who are processing their grief as well. It might mean stepping outside for a breather when the room feels too heavy, or choosing to leave an event early instead of pushing yourself to stay. It could be suggesting that someone else take on a tradition this year, or politely declining to host if it stretches you beyond your limits. These small boundaries help ensure that you’re showing up with honesty, compassion, and emotional sustainability, so you’re not left holding and managing everyone else’s emotional world. 

Remember We Have Hope Even in Our Grief

It’s important to remember that grief and hope can exist together. Death and grief were never meant to be part of our experience, yet because we live in a broken world they have become an unfortunate reality in our lives. As believers, we do not grieve without hope (1 Thess 4:13). Scripture reminds us that God meets us in both sorrow and celebration (Matthew 5:4, Psalm 30:11). By reframing our thoughts and mindset, we can recognize that this season offers an invitation to extend grace to ourselves and to others as we navigate grief and expectations. And in that grace, there is  freedom. Freedom to feel the full range of emotions this season may bring. Joy and sadness, gratitude and ache, hope and heaviness can all coexist, and none of them disqualify the other.

Author: Jess Griffin, LCMHCA