Finding the Right Therapist: Debunking Myths for Christians Seeking Counseling
A Common Request
“Hi, I’m looking for a Christian, female therapist between the ages of 35-40 who is married and has experienced infertility.”
It’s not that uncommon that we come across requests like this one where someone has a very specific idea of what they are looking for in a therapist. In short, they want to find themselves, but in the form of a therapist. Now, on one hand, this makes a lot of sense–who wouldn’t want to take sage advice and receive unconditional support from their emotional and practical clone? After all, similarities and shared experience feels safe. That’s why when we feel like we really “click” with someone in a room full of people, it just feels right. We feel seen and appreciated and supported. The problem with a request like this, however, is that therapy is different. We can’t put it into the same category as looking for a best friend or mentor. Therapy isn’t, at its core, about shared experiences or meshing personalities or even giving advice. It’s a professional relationship with clear goals and, most of the time, a clear end point.
How to Choose a Therapist: What Really Matters
It’s not that personality doesn’t matter or that you shouldn’t feel a connection with your therapist, but rather that we need to reevaluate what matters most in seeking out a therapist – focusing on the why you need therapy and who is going to be able to best help you reach your goals. From a licensed therapist, this is going to be largely about training, therapeutic approach, and the use of evidence-based methods and tools. With that being said, let’s look at some common misconceptions about how we often go about finding the “perfect” therapist.
Debunking Common Myths About Finding a Therapist
Myth #1: “My therapist has to share my exact experiences to help me.”
Lived experience feels validating. This is why we tend to gravitate toward people who have similar life experiences as us. However, therapists don’t rely only on their personal lives to provide high quality counseling. In fact, it’s discouraged! Why? Simply put, because therapy isn’t about them; it’s about you.
Your therapist's personal experiences may play a role in their ability to empathize at times, but it is not what drives the session. A good therapist will remain compassionate yet objective, empathetic yet self-controlled, and insightful yet firm with boundaries.
In the example request above, a therapist trained in grief counseling and trauma does not need to have personally experienced infertility in order to help a woman (or a man) through the devastation of this particular experience. A skilled therapist will guide that person through the process of grief and pain with tenderness and patience, and empathy gained by many hours of honing that skill (yes it is a skill!). At the end of the day, we want someone who sees us, who represents a safe place to set down our weary hearts and all of our many burdens, who objectively brings clarity and tools and support–not just shared stories.
Myth #2: “Age (older or younger) makes or breaks therapy.”
We often have deeply entrenched ideas about what age means, especially when it comes to therapy. Some people really want an older therapist because age=wisdom. Others really want someone their same age because they will feel more “relatable.” Some staunchly refuse to see someone younger than them because “what could they possibly know about life, much less how to help me?” Still others are adamant about seeing a younger therapist because surely they have a fresh perspective not trapped in archaic ideas or outdated methods.
Honestly, all of these perspectives have some merit. But we must remember that age itself is a rather minimal factor when considering the person who will be your companion on your healing journey. What they lack in desired age they may more than make up for in skills, approach, faith orientation, and connection. Whether a therapist is older or younger, fresh out of school or a seasoned pro, they still had to complete thousands of hours of coursework, clinical work, and research. What we really need is someone who is able to look at our particular situation and/or set of problems, and say, “I see you. This is not too much for me. Let’s do this.”
Maybe that person is way older than you wanted or way younger than you expected, but don’t let that throw you off. Sometimes the greatest progress is made in being challenged to think outside of our own self-imposed limits.
Myth #3: “I need a therapist of a specific gender for therapy to work.”
When searching for a therapist, many people specifically request a male therapist or female therapist, believing that gender compatibility is essential for effective counseling. It's understandable—feeling comfortable with your same gender can feel safer, particularly when you're being asked to be vulnerable about difficult experiences or personal struggles.
However, this preference often stems from how we think about other relationships. For example, a married man may avoid deep friendships and one-on-one situations with women out of respect for his marriage. A woman processing past trauma may initially feel more at ease opening up to another woman.
But here's the key difference: therapy is not the same as a friendship or mentorship. Christian counseling represents a professional therapeutic relationship with specified goals, established boundaries, time limits, and a clear end point. The professional nature of the counselor-client relationship creates a fundamentally different dynamic than personal friendships.
In most cases, whether you choose a male or female counselor should not be the primary factor in your decision. Other elements—such as clinical training, areas of specialization, therapeutic approach, and availability—matter far more for successful therapy outcomes.That said, there are some exceptions where gender preference in therapy makes practical sense. In cases involving sexual trauma, pornography addiction, or other sexuality-related issues, working with a same-gender therapist can potentially reduce initial triggers and create a greater sense of safety as you begin the healing process. Ultimately, a therapist's skills, clinical experience, and ability to create a safe therapeutic space matter far more than whether they're a male or female counselor. Sometimes the therapist we didn't expect to connect with ends up being exactly the person God uses in our healing journey.
What Does Matter When Choosing a Christian Therapist
Now that we've addressed what doesn't need to be at the top of your list, let's talk about what truly makes a difference in finding the right Christian counselor for your healing journey.
Faith integration: More Than Just a Label
For Christians seeking therapy, faith integration can make all the difference. But what does this actually mean? It's more than a therapist simply identifying as a Christian. True faith integration means working with a counselor who:
Honors your faith and sees it as central to who you are, not peripheral to your healing
Understands how spiritual struggles and emotional challenges intersect
Can help you wrestle with difficult questions about suffering, trauma, and identity from a biblical perspective
Recognizes that lasting healing addresses the body, the mind, and the soul
A Christian therapist who integrates faith well won't force spirituality into every conversation, or at all if you don’t want that, but they also won't compartmentalize your faith away from your mental health. They understand that for believers, these aspects of life are inseparable.
2. Clinical Specialization: Training That Matches Your Needs
One of the most important factors in choosing a therapist is finding someone with specialized training in the specific issues you're facing. Just as you wouldn't see a cardiologist for a broken bone, you want a mental health professional whose expertise aligns with your needs.
A therapist's specialization means they've invested significant time, training, and clinical hours working specifically with people facing what you're facing. This expertise translates to more effective treatment and often faster progress.
3. Personality and Therapeutic Fit: The Foundation of Good Therapy
Research consistently shows that one of the strongest predictors of successful therapy outcomes is the therapeutic relationship itself. You need to feel comfortable, safe, and genuinely heard by your therapist.
Ask yourself during initial sessions:
Do I feel respected and valued in this space?
Can I be honest with them about difficult things?
Do they create an environment where I can be vulnerable?
Do they seek to understand my story?
Trust your instincts here. If something feels off, it's worth asking questions and perhaps exploring other options. Therapy requires vulnerability, and you can't be vulnerable with someone you don't trust. That said, give it a few sessions—sometimes initial nervousness subsides once you settle into the therapeutic relationship.
4. Therapeutic Approach and Modality: Understanding How They Work
Different therapists use different therapeutic approaches, and understanding these can help you find a good match. While you don't need to become an expert in counseling modalities, it's helpful to know the basics–so do your research on common modalities like CBT, Narrative Therapy, DBT, EMDR, Solution-Focused Therapy, and IFS. Ask lots of questions and pay attention to what feels like a good match for you.
Some therapists use an integrative approach, drawing from multiple modalities based on your unique needs. The key is finding someone whose style resonates with how you process and grow. Do you prefer structured homework and concrete tools? Or do you need more space for reflection and emotional processing? Both are valid—you just need to find the right fit in your current goals in your current season.
Practical Tips for Finding the Right Therapist
Read bios with an eye toward faith integration and clinical specialties, not just surface details like age and gender.
Schedule a consultation (many offer free 10-15 min calls). Notice how you feel during the conversation and don’t be afraid to ask how they would approach the particular issues you are facing.
Pray for discernment—ask God to guide you to the right fit.
Give it a few sessions before deciding if it’s working.
Trust God's Provision in Your Healing Journey
Here's the beautiful truth: the right Christian therapist for you may look nothing like what you expected. They might be older or younger than you imagined. They may not share your exact life experiences. They might challenge you in ways you didn't anticipate. And that's often exactly what makes them the right fit.
God's provision rarely looks like our carefully crafted wish list. His provision is always exactly what we need, even when we didn't know we needed it. The therapist who helps you heal might shatter all of your expectations—in the best possible way.
As you’re googling for a Christian therapist or combing through the pages of Psychology Today, keep in mind that finding a good fit is less about demographics and more about God’s sovereign provision for you right now. He knows what you need. He sees your pain. And He's faithful to provide the help and healing you're seeking.
So as you read counselor bios and schedule consultations, pray for discernment. Pay attention to faith integration, clinical expertise, and whether you feel safe and heard. Give it a few sessions before making a final decision. And trust that God is guiding you toward the person who can walk alongside you in this part of your story.
We're here to help. At Dwell Christian Therapy, our providers are believers first, therapists second. We're trauma-informed, expertly trained in various clinical specialties and therapeutic modalities, and committed to integrating faith into the counseling process. If you're in North Carolina and searching for Christian counseling, we'd love to talk with you. And if we're not the right fit? We'll help you find someone who is.
Your healing journey matters. And the right therapist is out there—probably right where God has already been preparing them to meet you.
Author: Kalie Moore, MA, LCMHC. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.
