Understanding Emotionally Abusive Relationships: A Christian Perspective
“But I love him.” This is a phrase that I hear over and over again as I sit in my office. The complexities of loving someone so deeply but also knowing that the relationship itself is something that may be causing you to lose your own internal peace is something that can be hard to comprehend. Relationships often are clouded by emotions, attachment wounds, pain, trauma, and a deep need for belonging, love, etc. This can all make it incredibly hard to understand what is happening in your own relationship. This understanding is essential not only for individuals currently in a relationship but also for those who may recognize concerning patterns in the people we love who may not be able to see it for themselves.
Defining Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 4 Signs of Abuse
Emotionally abusive relationships are characterized by patterns of behavior where one partner seeks to control, intimidate, manipulate, or belittle the other. Emotional abuse often goes under the radar because, unlike physical abuse which can often be seen in the form of external injuries, emotional abuse manifests in less tangible ways, making it more challenging to notice and to identify as abuse. These can include:
Manipulation: The abuser may use guilt or emotional games to control.
Gaslighting: This involves making the victim question their reality or sanity.
Isolation: The abuser may limit the victim's contact with friends and family, creating a dependency.
Criticism and Humiliation: Constant putting down of self worth or belittling comments in efforts to undermine self-esteem.
Emotionally abusive relationships can often have long-term effects on mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a lack of self worth.
5 Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Sometimes when thinking through the characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship, it can be helpful to look at a particular example. Let’s take a look at Sarah’s marriage with Mark. In this hypothetical case study, Sarah and Mark have been married for 5 years. At the beginning, Sarah fell head over heels in love with Mark. Mark would shower her with attention, gifts, physical intimacy, and gestures that made Sarah feel like she had finally found the one. Although there were some red flags at the beginning (jealousy that felt excessive, quick tempered, making her feel bad about herself in front of others, etc.) , she decided she was ready to get married and start her life with Mark.
Over time, Mark's behavior became increasingly controlling, with Sarah constantly walking on eggshells to avoid his unpredictable outbursts. Communication became a tension point and Mark would shut down any attempts to discuss issues. Mark would often belittle Sarah when she tried to express her feelings. He used intimidation tactics, such as sudden outbursts of anger and silent treatment, to manipulate her. Trust faded as Mark would accuse Sarah of things without evidence, and any attempt to establish boundaries was met with hostility. This toxic dynamic left Sarah feeling isolated, fearful, and unsure of herself.
Oftentimes these characteristics can be hard to pick up on, but over time it can become apparent that something is just not quite right. The following are characteristics that I, unfortunately, see quite often in my work. They also describe Sarah and Mark’s relationship quite well:
Lack of Communication: Healthy relationships thrive on open dialogue, while emotionally abusive ones often thrive with miscommunication or avoidance of conversation..
Control and Domination: One partner may exert power over the other, dictating choices and undermining sense of self.
Fear and Intimidation: One partner can often feel threatened, fearing that their partner's anger could lead to emotional outbursts or withdrawal.
Unpredictable Behavior: An emotionally abusive partner may swing between affection and coldness, leaving the victim in a constant state of confusion.
Lack of Trust: Jealousy and accusations can hinder trust and create an environment of unsteadiness.
4 Effects of Emotionally Abusive Relationships
As Sarah continued in her relationship with Mark, her self-esteem began to shatter more and more. Constant criticism and Mark’s unpredictable outbursts left her questioning her value as a wife, friend, and overall individual. Anxiety was a constant companion, accompanied with thoughts of deep sadness that was unexplainable. She constantly tried to appease him, but nothing was ever enough. She began to isolate herself from friends and family, often as a suggestion from Mark. Soon Sarah could not recognize her own life.
The trauma took a physical and mental toll, with Sarah experiencing symptoms of PTSD—flashbacks, heightened anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of fear. Trusting herself or others became impossible as she lived in a constant state of hyper-arousal. What began as subtle manipulation had become a suffocating, isolating nightmare, leaving Sarah feeling hopeless and trapped in her own life.
Sarah had no idea that her relationship could affect her this much. Breaking it down,, some of the major effects we see are:
Low Self-Esteem: Constant belittlement can hinder confidence and lead to feelings of worthlessness.
Anxiety and Depression: Many victims report heightened anxiety levels and depressive symptoms due to ongoing emotional turmoil.
Isolation: Emotional abusers often manipulate victims into distancing themselves from supportive relationships, exacerbating feelings of loneliness.
Post-Traumatic Stress: Some individuals may experience symptoms similar to PTSD, including flashbacks of the abuse and emotional dysregulation.
While reading this if you notice trends in your own relationship or know someone who may be in an emotionally abusive relationship, please feel free to reach out to us. We are here to help! You can also text CONNECT to 741741 to connect with an abuse hotline where they are able to give you resources that may be able to help.
Defining the Opposite: 5 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
We can all acknowledge that Sarah and Mark’s relationship is unhealthy. But that begs the question of what a healthy relationship actually looks like. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and support. A healthy partnership encourages emotional and psychological well-being, allowing both individuals to grow individually and together. Some characteristics that are essential in a supportive relationship are:
Open Communication: Partners feel safe expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of retaliation or dismissiveness.
Mutual Respect: Each person values the other's opinions, boundaries, and individuality.
Support and Encouragement: Healthy relationships are marked by encouragement to pursue personal goals and interests.
Trust and Honesty: Transparency fosters a secure environment where both partners can rely on each other.
Equality: Both individuals share power and decision-making responsibilities, promoting a sense of partnership.
These characteristics sound amazing and like something you would want to foster in any relationship. But there is a reason why. We can see these guidelines laid out for us in the Bible indicating what it looks like to enjoy a thriving relationship.
A Christian Perspective on Abusive Relationships: 5 Biblical Truths
The love that God calls us to is selfless, safe, and respectful, rooted in how the Lord has shown his love for us. When considering this, here are some key concepts that are both Biblical and essential for human flourishing within relationships:
Unconditional Love: Jesus has shown us that his love is unconditional and not based on our own doings but based on what he has done on the cross for us. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 highlights the importance of love that is patient and kind. In contrast, emotionally abusive relationships are characterized by conditions and manipulation, where love is contingent upon meeting the abuser’s demands.
Respect and Equality: The Bible encourages partners to honor and submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). In emotionally abusive relationships, one partner seeks control and dominance, disregarding the other's autonomy and worth.
Supportive Encouragement: A Biblical relationship nurtures mutual growth and support, as seen in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, which emphasizes the strength found in partnership. Emotionally abusive dynamics, however, often involve jealousy and criticism, disregarding and/or minimizing personal growth.
Forgiveness and Healing: The Bible encourages forgiveness and reconciliation (Colossians 3:13)--God expects us to love and forgive others, just as He has loved and forgiven us. Emotional abuse can live in continuous cycles of blame and resentment, preventing healing and leaving the hurt partner feeling stuck in shame and fear.
Safety and Security: A healthy, Biblical relationship fosters an environment of safety, where both partners feel valued and protected. In contrast, emotional abuse creates an environment rife with fear and intimidation, leaving the victim feeling unsafe and on high-alert.
Healing from Emotional Abuse
As they say (and it’s true!), acknowledgement is the first step in healing. This can be hard and scary to do on your own, not to mention confusing. Therapy can be instrumental in this process, providing a safe space for people in toxic relationships to explore their experiences and begin to trust again. Modalities such as Internal Family Systems, EMDR, person centered therapy, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapies can be invaluable in starting the healing process. Stay tuned for further articles that will elaborate on how each of these modalities play out in the therapeutic process and how they can jump start the healing process. In the meantime, you can visit our therapy services page, check out my bio to find out more about my work as a trauma and relationship therapist, or contact us to schedule a free consultation now.
Understanding the dynamics of and the differences between emotionally abusive and healthy relationships is essential for nurturing individual mental health and relationship well-being. As a mental health therapist, I encourage individuals to be vigilant in recognizing the signs of emotional abuse, prioritizing mental health, and seeking help when needed. Healthy relationships offer the foundation for a fulfilling life, characterized by joy, love, and mutual respect. It can be hard to grapple with your relationship and determine if it is healthy or if there are aspects of abuse. We would love to help you with this process. Please reach out to us here at Dwell and we can start the healing journey together!
Author: Bayleigh Griffith, MA, LCMHCA, CTP
For more info on Bayleigh or to schedule a free consult directly with her, you can check out her website bio or click here to schedule now!
