When Christmas Isn’t So Merry and Bright: A Guide to Navigating Grief During the Holidays

The holiday season often brings to mind twinkling lights, freshly baked cookies, cozy fires, and beautifully wrapped gifts. We experience the sights, sounds, and tastes of joy and togetherness. But, it’s not always this way. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, struggling in the aftermath of betrayal, or suffering in some other way physically or emotionally, the holidays can feel anything but joyful. Your pain can easily cast a shadow over the merrymaking all around, and it may feel like this valley has no end. The following suggestions are not meant to make your hurt go away and they are not intended to placate your struggle or trivialize your pain. It is real, and there is a reason you are suffering. My hope is that this brief guide will give you ideas for healthy coping without forgetting, for honoring the past while still finding ways to enjoy the present. 

1.Acknowledge the Source of Your Pain

This season will not be the same because of what has happened in your life. It’s okay to feel the weight of that reality. If you find yourself snapping at others, having trouble controlling your anger, crying unexpectedly, or avoiding social gatherings, take some time to understand how you’ve been hurt, what (or who) you’ve lost, and what has changed. Your grief has a name.

2. Embrace All of Your Emotions

Grief is complex and far from linear. God created us with an incredible capacity for emotion—and we sell ourselves short when we only allow ourselves to feel a small spectrum of what feels safe. You may feel joy, sadness, anger, and hope all in the same hour! And while this may feel turbulent and overwhelming, oh just remember you are not alone! All of those rushing emotions reveal a tender heart trusting in the design of its Maker (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Be kind to yourself. Instead of berating yourself for being “too emotional,” or avoiding the emotions altogether, remember that you were created to feel.  

3. Remember That It’s Okay Not to Be Okay

Avoiding the pain or shoving it deeper inside doesn’t make it disappear—it simply displaces it. Feeling the void of what you’ve lost—be it a person or a relationship or your own physical health—can be excruciating. No amount of avoiding or self-medicating or merrymaking will change that reality. Fear of grief gives it more control and can leave us feeling victimized. So give yourself permission to experience it as it comes. You don’t need excuses or apologies for your grief. 

4. Honor the Memories

If you’ve lost someone special to you, you may feel guilty for continuing on without them. You may feel like everything reminds you of this person. Find something that honors their memory—this can help to ease any guilt and also to help you feel like the holidays go on with them rather than without them entirely. Maybe this is making that person’s famous dessert or reading their favorite Scripture passage or singing a beloved song. Doing something like this can allow you to remember without feeling overwhelmed by the pain. 

5. Set Boundaries and Honor Your Limits 

The fact that life goes on after what you’ve experienced can be painful in itself. Set yourself up for success by stepping back from the daily grind. Life has changed—perhaps drastically—for you, and you can’t expect yourself to be unscathed by the normal hustle and bustle that feels anything but normal to you. Recognize your limits, say no to activities that you know may exacerbate your pain, and don’t feel pressure to apologize for it. Create space both to honor the past and to establish new memories that bring you comfort and peace.

6. Ask for Help

You may feel more alone than you ever have in your life, but just because you feel it doesn’t make it true. Reach out to trusted family and friends. If that is not an option, find a support group or a therapist who can help you to navigate your thoughts and feelings in the wake of loss. Maybe you’d love to have holiday decorations put up but you just can’t bring yourself to get them out of the attic. Ask for someone to get them down and help you set them up—just how you like them. Maybe you’d love to attend the neighborhood holiday party, but you just can’t stand the thought of going alone for the first time. Ask a friend to go with you and be your buddy for the night. Remember that the Light has come to brighten every single corner of darkness, even your own that feels impossibly dark right now. If you’re not sure where to start, don’t hesitate to reach out to us here at DWELL—it would be our honor to answer your questions and get you headed in the right direction. 

What a time this is to be feeling sad and despairing, when all around us is light and joy and connection. But dear friends, our King born in a manger—gentle and lowly—knows your pain. He doesn’t expect you to plaster a smile on your face and go on with celebration and tradition as if nothing has happened—as if something so tragically defining has not just wrecked your world. No, He says to come with your broken heart, with your pain, with your hurricane of emotions. He was born for you. Whether your grief is fresh or ages old but still feels as sharp as the day it found you, may you know that you are seen and known and loved. And may you offer to yourself this Christmas the gift of compassion—the same compassion you find at the manger bed as you gaze upon the newborn King of kings. 

Author: Kalie Moore, MA, LCMHC. Clinical Therapist. Co-Founder of Dwell Ministry, PC.

More Resources:

What is Advent? 5 Tips for Meaningful Family Discipleship. — DWELL

Handling the Holidays After Loss - Nancy Guthrie, Focus on the Family