As a marriage and family therapist, I often sit with couples who are searching for ways to reconnect. They love each other deeply, yet feel distant, misunderstood, or even lonely within their marriage. What many don’t realize is that the foundation of a thriving marriage isn’t found in grand gestures or feeling butterflies at every turn—it’s rooted in something far more simple and profound: friendship. In the words of Dr. John Gottman, “the foundation of a strong relationship is friendship.” In the Sound Relationship House, which is a diagram that illustrates a relationship between two partners as a multileveled house, Dr. Gottman breaks down what actually comprises a solid friendship into 3 parts: Love Maps, Shared Fondness and Admiration, and Turning Towards Instead of Away.

Being Known: Building Emotional Connection Through Love Maps

It is unlikely that any truly healthy, loving relationship consists of people who know very little about one another. In fact, the best relationships include genuine curiosity about who the person is. In other words, strong relationships contain vibrant love maps. The big emphasis here is communicating and listening in order to foster connection. In communicating with your partner or spouse, it may be helpful to ask yourself, “Am I listening out of obligation, in order to offer a solution (which should be readily appreciated) or am I listening because I want them to feel seen and heard?”

No one wants to wake up feeling like the person lying next to them is a stranger. And no one wants to feel as though what matters to him or her is unimportant. Building love maps as an ongoing process of connection can help you both go the distance together, still deeply invested in one another’s internal world, and mitigate feeling lost, disillusioned or disinterested. Consider the words of David in the opening of Psalm 139, “Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me.” Or look to the words of Christ as he declares in the book of John “I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father.” God does not desire to be distant and aloof from his creation, but rather he wants to know us intricately and to be known by those who love him.In a marriage or any committed relationship, it is important to understand that knowing someone is not a fixed, stationary status but it is a way of being with one another. This spans far beyond wedding vows!

What I like about you: The Role of Admiration and Appreciation in Marriage

The next part of a strong friendship which makes up the next level of Gottman’s house is Shared Fondness and Admiration. Imagine a close friendship in which the other person knows you but does not seem to care for you very much. Let’s say they use their intricate knowledge of who you are as a means to tear you down instead of lift you up. I am certain no one wants to be closely connected to someone like that in a relationship, let alone a marriage! This idea of shared fondness and admiration takes the deep knowing of a person and expresses it via appreciation and positive regard toward them. Ponder the words of this Proverb: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (16:24) Your words have the power to nourish your marriage—or slowly erode it.

Early in a relationship, admiration often comes naturally. You notice everything. You celebrate small quirks. You might think, “This person is amazing. He's so good at fixing things--seems like he can fix anything!” And the truth is, what made them “amazing” might not have been extraordinary—it was meaningful to you. It drew you closer. Often however, when the years pass and the storms and seasons of life ebb and flow, it can be easy to lose sight of what made your significant other so great to begin with and it's not that we necessarily think they're horrible. We just stop noticing the little things and take them for granted.

Those little quirks and skills become normal, commonplace.

But just because something is normal doesn't mean we can't also be so so thankful for it. This is also when it is crucial to intentionally see the good and lovely things about him or her. Your marriage could depend on it.

I see you: How Turning Toward Your Spouse Builds Emotional Intimacy

Imagine it’s a rare weekend where you and your spouse are both home with no specific plans but the weather outside is beautiful. Your partner has just shuffled into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee and you casually but hopefully say, “What a perfect day for going to the park. I think there may be a festival happening today.” Your significant other, though clearly within earshot, says nothing and shuffles back out of the room and plops down in front of the TV. According to Gottman, this is a failed bid for connection which brings us to the 3rd tenant of strong friendship in marriage: Turning towards instead of away. Simply stated, this means that when your spouse makes a suggestion or gesture that extends an opportunity for you to engage, you have the option of responding to this “bid” or turning away from it. The more we respond affirmatively to our partners’ bids, the more our partners will have in their “emotional bank account.” Every time we engage, we make a deposit in that account.

Let's look at the previous couple again, but this time, the spouse turns toward instead of away. Your spouse is on the couch engrossed in a favorite show. Meanwhile you've just gotten off the phone with a frustrating family member and you plop down on the couch with a sigh of exasperation. Instead of ignoring you and turning up the TV, your husband, with a knowing tone says, “Another ‘lesson’ from your favorite aunt, huh?” You nod slowly, eyes closed, shoulders slumped. Your spouse then pauses the show, turns to you and opens his arms, enveloping you. He knows you're not looking for any platitudes. He knows you just need a safe place, and he's there to provide it. This is a beautiful deposit into that emotional bank account.

Building a Strong Marriage Through Friendship and Connection

Marriage is meant to be a beautiful adventure, a relationship that spans the many life seasons, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. If it's a healthy, loving relationship, it should contain not only romance, but also friendship. Real friendship involves knowing the inner world of the other person, proactively expressing what you admire about one another, and being responsive to the reach for connection, even if it seems small. Approaching these areas with intentionality and consistency makes for a strong foundation as you walk together through the years ahead.

couple building connection through friendship

If you and your spouse feel disconnected, stuck in repetitive conflict, or simply miss the friendship you once shared, counseling can provide a space to slow down, reconnect, and rebuild together. At Dwell, I work with couples who want to strengthen emotional connection, improve communication, and create healthier patterns rooted in grace, understanding, and intentionality. Whether you’re walking through a difficult season or simply want to invest more deeply in your relationship, support is available. Check out my bio, contact us now, or just click on the link below.

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