Decreasing the Risk of an Eating Disorder for Your Child: What Not To Say or Do
The Face of Child and Teen Eating Disorders
One of the scariest experiences a parent can face is having a child or teenager with an eating disorder.
As a therapist, I have sat across from moms in tears and dads who feel completely helpless because their daughter refuses to eat or purges when she does. “Is this my fault?” they ask me. “Did I do or say something that made her want to starve herself?”
The short answer is “not exactly.” But the long answer is … well, longer. And more difficult to explain. In reality, no single comment causes an eating disorder. But a comment combined with other factors – genetics, early life stress or trauma, diet culture, and certain personality traits – can set the stage for such a disorder to develop.
The Influence Behind Child and Teen Eating Disorders
Research shows that children and teenagers with eating disorders are heavily influenced by what their parents say and do. Parents are a child’s first teachers. The child looks up to them and imitates their words and actions from a young age, and for this reason, the way parents talk about and act around food impacts how their child views food and her body. Even if a parent compliments the child and yet makes disparaging remarks about herself, the message is still, “Your body is fine now, but if you allow it to change, it will be unacceptable. So you must do everything in your power to prevent that from happening.”
No loving parent wants to trap their child in the prison that comes from poor body image and disordered eating. And while other important people in the child’s life certainly may also make comments that trigger an eating disorder, parents unfortunately cannot control those people – but they can control themselves.
The following words and actions can have a huge impact on a child’s self-confidence and relationship with food.
Top Four Triggers for Eating Disorders in Children and Teens
Labeling foods as “good” or “bad”
With so much talk in the media about white bread as the enemy and kale as your best friend, it’s no wonder many adults have started separating everything at Publix into similar categories. Usually, donuts and fries are in the “bad” category, while carrots and blueberries are in the “good.”
The problem is that labeling foods this way persuades your child to form the same judgments, and a child with perfectionist tendencies could take it a step further, developing rigid rules around food and even attaching morality to foods.
Eating “unhealthy” foods would cause her to feel shame and self-disgust while eating “healthy” ones would lead her to feel virtuous and clean and ... maybe not completely at peace, but at least less anxious than if she’d eaten something from the Bad List.
Sadly, over time more and more foods transition over to that list until all foods feel unsafe and eating becomes a terrifying, guilt-inducing experience.
Parents instead may consider taking an “all foods fit” approach that allows a wide variety of foods into the family’s meal plan. They can explain that some foods contain nutrients that benefit physical health (think broccoli’s high levels of vitamin C), but that even foods with lower levels of nutrients are still nutritious. I once worked with a dietitian who said, “All foods do something good for your body,” which is true: Even cookies provide much-needed energy.
2. Using the word “fat” to insult others
During the Renaissance, carrying extra weight was considered a sign of health and youthfulness, while being underweight meant poverty, sickness, and moral inadequacies. But viewpoints evolved and a thin body became the ideal, accompanied by the opinion that fat people are lazy, lack self-discipline, and have a poor work ethic. In reality, a person’s body size does not necessarily mean that she is capable of working but refuses to hold a job and instead lies on the couch all day watching TV. People have larger bodies for many reasons; for instance, PCOS can make women gain weight easily. But when we fail to consider all the factors, make unfair assumptions, and call someone “fat” as the ultimate insult, children will learn that fatness is something to be avoided and that they must constantly monitor their own body size so that others won’t belittle them as well.
3. Monitoring your child’s body size for her
It’s bad enough to call other people “fat” or “big-boned,” but when parents start targeting their own child’s body shape and weight, the chances increase astronomically that the child will develop a poor self-image (not to mention a rocky parent-child relationship).
And parents don’t necessarily have to place any labels on their child; other actions can lead to a poor relationship with food as well, such as forcing them on the scale or removing certain foods or food groups.
Of course, parents want to avoid health complications that can accompany obesity, but it’s important for parents to step back and allow their child to gain weight and develop naturally as they mature into young adults.
Weight gain is normal and not something that should cause shame. Parents could focus less on their child’s size and food intake and instead talk about how our wonderful bodies let us move (run, dance, hug, and all the other fun things!).
4. Monitoring your own body size in front of your child
This last one may seem harmless. After all, you’re focusing on yourself, not other people, and certainly not your child. But kids are watching and listening: They see you eat a salad when everyone goes out for pizza. They hear you tell your spouse that you’re starting a new diet and joining the gym to fit into your “skinny jeans.”
Parents are a child’s primary model of “what an adult should be,” and they will believe the way you approach food and body is the way they should too. Such views and actions could set the stage for an eating disorder mindset that seems completely natural to them.
If you are trying to lose weight or are unhappy with how your body looks, keep it to yourself–and get the help you need to feel at peace with your own body.
Parents usually have the best of intentions and don’t want their child to suffer teasing or health problems from being overweight.
But eating disorders are health problems too, and if allowed to develop unchecked, they can lead to a host of physical and mental health conditions, including stunted growth, anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. It’s better to shift the topic of conversation to the wonderful things our bodies do for us, thanks to the masterful hand of our amazing Creator. After all, He designed our bodies, and He never makes mistakes.
There is Help for Childhood Eating Disorders
Dwell Ministry, PC is a comforting and welcoming place with caring therapists who understand your challenges.
As an opportunity to “check us out,” we offer a free 20-minute consultation so you feel confident in our services for childhood eating disorders. Call 336-864-5435 or fill out our Contact Us form to get started today.
*Dwell Ministry does not consider parents as the “cause” of eating disorders and instead views them as part of the solution for prevention and recovery. We seek not to blame anyone but to examine possible factors that could contribute to an eating disorder. If you are concerned that you or your child has an unhealthy relationship with food, please seek the help of a trained mental health professional.
Author: Jessie Tucker Mitchell, MA, LCMHCA, NCC
Jessie is a clinical therapist who specializes in eating disorders and anxiety. If you’re interested in working with Jessie or have questions about next steps, don’t hesitate to reach out and book a free intro call now!
